Bored!!

Bored!!

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rahmatullahnoor: Lonliness knows me by my name.......

rahmatullahnoor: Lonliness knows me by my name.......

rahmatullahnoor: "Diversity in Salad Bowl preparation"

rahmatullahnoor: "Diversity in Salad Bowl preparation"

rahmatullahnoor: Bored!!

rahmatullahnoor: Bored!!

Bored!!

Its almost six months passed to be laid off from my job. All my hours merging to doomsday, counting a conspiracy for me…What next? As no one around left, all had luring jobs to do, in this old season of mine I got one single girl friend who left for further studies ,so it was jus’ me . . First there was the requisite whining about how bored I was, but Ink didn't seem too impressed by that. Then there were the desperate attempts to lure friends out for coffee or something, but everyone already had plans and couldn't entertain me.

So I had no choice but to do the work that I'd been procrastinating on, but not before I attempted to procrastinate further by doing some household chores. I'm no fan of vacuuming or wiping down cupboards, but on a long, empty Sunday noon, so I gone off to sleep.

As evening inched upon us, I had some grubs with puffs, but again, the Force was not strong with me. So the only person that I spoke to and interacted with in person, between noon and bedtime, was my Chotu - who is my soul care-taker here.

I think Ink got tired of me harassing him, though, because he flopped down to sleep a good bit earlier than usual and didn't even stir when I nudged his head.

Lonliness knows me by my name.......

I've felt this way before . Most of the time I'm fine...most of the time I enjoy myself. But every once in a while this profound loneliness comes over me.

Today I can understand some of it. My friends are away and I'm somewhat isolated so I think lonliness takes on a greater role than it should in my life. I'm a great believer in taking action...if things aren't good, then doing something to make it better.

But right now I can't. I'm limited because of some residual effects of nerve pain...can't work at a decent job that pays enough to support what I need to do. This particularly hurts because I was recently kicked out from my job coz economic downturn and totally in cash trap as if world bank jus' belongs to me. Soon i got an an offer from MNC...it's a real offer... It would take a lot of financial pressure off me and unfortunately i'm not that lucky to grab the job I had to turn them down because my inside docs said no.... and I know they're right. I've tried forcing things before and I always get much sicker. I've learned I need to accept where I am but it sucks. Sorry but sometimes it just does. I'll get over this...I always do but right now that's how I feel.

And the loneliness is not just missing my friends and having pain...it's more.

An existential angst...a longing for love...probably both. I used to live in a big world...my world has become smaller and I have struggled to do more than stay afloat. I have struggled to change...to adapt...dare even to thrive. Sometimes I can be a star. Sometimes, like now, I fail.

I am overwhelmed with longing and I'm not completely sure what would fill that void.I want to touch the stars...I want to ride the ocean's waves...I want to be a wild horse running along the ocean's shore. I want someone to see me and love me for what they see. And I want to do the same for them. Dosh!!!So Terribly lonely I could just sit here and cry...

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this or if I will have the courage to post.