Miraculous Life....

I had one of those rare but stunning moments the other day where I just felt flooded by the utter profundity of this world – at the miracle of actually being alive and part of this infinite web we have yet to fully understand.

Every day I lie in my bed in virtual stillness, yet I am also simultaneously spinning at dizzying speeds with billions of others on a beautiful, blue-green orb within an endless, incomprehensibly massive universe. And, even more miraculous, I am blessed with the human ability to be fully aware of that fact, and to ponder and be in awe at the meaning of it all.

Sometimes, I look out my window at the beauty of the small trees in a desert. Or at the birds fighting for food on the feeder we have provided them. Or the cats who visit me from time to time, scurrying about or just sitting there in some kind of quiet reflection I don't fully understand. And I think about how all these things are all distinct forms of being-ness. All these things are alive in various forms of consciousness that each differ from mine. And yet, in so many ways, we are the same. We are all alive and experiencing the world through our endlessly unique roles and abilities, and we all have the same basic, inherent needs and desires -- to be nourished, to thrive, and to simply be as we were created to be.

Other times I just lay with my eyes closed in meditation and try to feel this life inside me, as well as this sickness that has taken so much from me. I let myself go to the middle of it and feel the agony of it to the core. And I wonder at the fact that my internal body actually knows what’s wrong with me, yet “I,” my mind, does not. My body somehow knows what has gone astray, and it is desperately trying to fix it for me or to compensate for it in some way. It is failing, of course, but it is indeed trying. How does it know where to begin, or what to even attempt to do? How does it know and function beyond what I myself can comprehend? Every cell of my body seems to carry its own intelligence, independent of what I define as “me.” How extraordinary is that?

In my questioning, I start to marvel at how incredible the human body is. Do healthy people really consider the miracle of their wellness, when so many things could go wrong and yet rarely ever do? Do they understand it, glorify in it, breathe it in every second of every day? Do they rock with joy at their good fortune? Do they know the tremendous gift that they have been blessed with, and do they appreciate it? I mean, REALLY appreciate it, with all their being?

Sometimes I am just overwhelmed with how amazing life is. How every inch of this universe and every breath we all take is filled with endless miracles and wonder. If only we took note of it all more often. If only I had soaked more of it up when I still had the freedom to promenade...

"Letters To My Best Friends"

Dear Best Friends,

My love and respect for you all, has made all of you more than friends to me now…

We are not blood related but you are just as important as if you were…

I see the truth through the eyes of all my loved ones that look up at me in appreciation and loveliness…

I could never choose one “best” friend over another, because that would go with, what im against, and that is  favoritism…

I’m am writing this letter to you all out of the respect that i have built up from every joyous occasion that we have shared and every fucked moment that we survived through and learned from…

I thank you…

I wasn’t an accident when you came into my life, it was a blessing…

So if I tell you I love you, I REALLY meant it when I said it and I consider you to be one of my best friends…

Or like my family…

You have a piece of my heart that I give freely to you as tribute to your good hearts and great intentions…

and to the “One” that I love, I can’t wait to say that i love you…

So you can save me once and for all from a life of loneliness, and the emptiness you feel from a lack of affection and passion…

Truly Yours,

Discovered Elegance When "LIFE IS HARD"..

When I was a little Boy, I remember often being told by a variety of adults that "life is hard." This was most typically said when I complained about something I saw as terribly unreasonable or unfair, such as not being able to eat dessert without first finishing all the salads on my plate. While this certainly did seem like a rather cruel injustice, I always found this particular response to my protests a bit puzzling. Was life really all that hard? It certainly didn't seem that way to me. Granted, I may have only had four or five years of experience at the time, but, for the most part, life actually seemed pretty spectacular. The repeated sagas over salads and other such matters were indeed quite frustrating, but overall, I absolutely loved being a kid,no wonder i am still a kid, Life was new and exciting and full of wonder.

Yet, adults seemed to repeat this phrase rather consistently, as though it were some long-accepted truth that children just needed to learn as they grew older. And while I did come to understand it in terms of dealing with disappointments, struggle, death and loss, I still didn't quite get why even the smaller issues of life so often garnered this response. Why did adults seem to find life so troubling? Like most kids, becoming an adult was something I looked forward to with great eagerness. After all, it was they who got to make all the decisions and have the final say on every single topic of importance. What's not to like? :)

I understand it now, of course. Children can't possibly grasp the wide range and weight of responsibilities that accompany adulthood. Grown-ups yearn to be kids again, and kids yearn to be all grown up.

Still, I remember thinking that adults didn't always seem to fully appreciate all their much-coveted privileges. They even actually sometimes complained about them. They had too many bills and not enough time. They didn't appear to have quite the same energy and awe for life that children did. They didn't stop to take notice of the small things as much.

Struck by this realization one day as a young boy, I vowed to be different. I vowed to be fully grateful of all the special perks of adulthood when I grew older. I would always appreciate the little things and continue to look at life as being grand, not hard. I would make it a point to try not to complain about small, mundane inconveniences.

I confess I am not sure just how well I have done with this little goal of mine over the years. If I am honest with myself, I've probably been far less successful than I'd like to admit. For the most part, though, even when I lost sight of the good in any given circumstance, I was generally always able to return to a place of gratitude.

And then... I got sick. Really sick. My life was turned upside down until it essentially came to a standstill. Everything I had just begun to build for myself was slowly slipping away. From my social life, to the career I'd enjoyed and had just started to begin. The more I tried to push past it, the more I lost. As the years went on, simple, everyday privileges that I had not even recognized as privileges (the ability to shower, walk, talk, read, watch TV, get out of bed) suddenly started to disappear.

I actually remember once wondering if God had heard that little, silent declaration of mine all those many years ago and decided to respond with this, the ultimate in a series of complaint-inducing circumstances, as some sort of resounding challenge.

No doubt it has been incredibly trying at times, given the downward turns my life ultimately took, to keep that long-ago vow of mine. It was particularly difficult for me when I first became ill. I saw my life slipping between my fingers at what felt like whirlwind speed, and I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by it all, especially given how little others (or even I) understood what was happening to me.

Clearly, the challenges of this illness are beyond enormous. It has literally and ruthlessly invaded every aspect of my life. There are times, particularly during setbacks (which, given the nature of this illness, are quite frequent), when I want to throw all positivity right out the window. There is so much loss, grief and frustration to grapple with, not to mention the all-encompassing physical distress that can coincide with such a setback. It can be an arduous task to focus on gratitude when you feel so sick you can barely move.

I often dump my frustrations on my best friends during these times, because I know they understands them. Then I feel bad for doing what I had always vowed to avoid, and allowing myself to whine. My friends assures me I am not whining, but merely coping, and finding my way through what would otherwise be an intolerable situation. I'm not always so sure, though I do recognize the need to share such emotions from time to time and not keep them all bottled up.

Those of us stricken with this disease face every day the kind of loss, disappointments, deterioration, limitations, struggle and physical distress that most people don't experience until they are near the end of their life. Consequently, it is beyond reasonable, even perhaps essential to coping, to often feel complete and utter exasperation, as well as to at times experience deep sadness over what is lost and what we are missing out on, or on all that could have been. This, after all, is not your average life. This is not the life any of us, even in our worst nightmares, ever anticipated for ourselves.

It is, however, still a life. I once had a Doctor tell me that my life could not really even be called a life at all. To that, I must fervently disagree. Who is to judge the value of any given person's life? Undoubtedly, this is not the road I chose or would have ever wanted for myself, and there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do to change it. And it is true that my dreams, my ambitions, my education, my career and all my hopes and goals have, thus far, gone by the wayside. And that, in any circumstance, is indeed a tragedy. But my life, with all its struggles, loss, pain, limits and difficulties, is still a life. It still has value. It still has joy and love and dreams and meaning and hope.

Today, as I write this, I am so grateful for the grace of my young self who, in his innocent, little boy wisdom, somehow knew that I would later need the constant reminder. I would need the reminder to try to stay focused on the positive even in the midst of struggle, to acknowledge my blessings despite despair, and to take stock of the beauty that surrounds me and that always, under any circumstance, remains visible -- even if from afar. Life is simply far too sweet to spend it being bitter.

This has been an extremely rough journey for me. It has tried my patience and endurance in ways, when healthy, I never could have imagined. And yet, through it all, I need to remember that I've still had birds, butterflies, cactus blooms and greenness outside my window. I've still had the love of my friends and family. Despite my body's failings, it still has breath. It still holds my spirit, which, though at times shaken and tested, remains strong and able. And it is with that resilience of spirit that I will continue to hold on to the undying faith that someday, somehow, things will get better.

Lessons in life.......

Here are some of the most important things that I have learned in my time so far:

1-The Glass If Half-Empty Or Half Full

Whatever way you look at it is how it is. Every situation you are in can be seen from a negative or from a positive perspective. I don’t like negative people, so I always try to see everything from a half-full perspective. It makes life more enjoyable!

2-Complaining Gets You Nowhere

Life is unfair. Get used to it. Sometimes you are the underdog and you get handed the crappiest hand out of everyone. Complaining about how unfair or how difficult something is will not make your life better. It’s going to make you suffer and it’s going to cause others to get seriously annoyed with you.

Don’t complain. Take action and change what’s bothering you!

3-There Is No Free Lunch

Promises of free gifts, free education, free money…99.9% of the time they are a trick. There is always something attached to it, because hardly anyone does something for free.

Don’t count on a free lunch, work hard for your own success. Every now and then you may get lucky and someone will genuinely offer you a free lunch, in that case, enjoy it!

4-Easy Success Doesn’t Exist

Overnight success or instant millions only exist if you win the lottery or inherit a fortune.

Yeah you might get lucky sometimes, or have an amazing idea like the creators of Youtube did. Most of the time it takes a damn long time and a lot of hard work to achieve success. This is not a bad thing, and it’s not a problem at all. Just be prepared to work hard.

5-Girls Are Awesome

Haha, kind of random. But I love girls. They’re so…girly and feminine. They have this awesome energy that makes me feel so alive.

Yeah they can be dramatic, and illogical and confusing…but that’s the biggest reason why they are so awesome. Life would be rather dull without girls 

6-Failure Teaches You A Lot About Yourself And The World

Even though I’m just 24, I’ve succeeded and failed more times than most people have in a lifetime.

Initially I always thought that failure was devastating, that it meant I was not a worthy human being and that I should bury my head in shame. Luckily I learned that failure is an essential part of growth and success.

The more you fail, the more you learn and the closer you get to succeeding.

The most important thing to remember about failure can be summed up in this fantastic quote by Will Smith:
“Don’t let failure get to your heart and don’t let success get to your head”.

7-Not Everything Has A Happy Ending

Life is not the movies, and bad things can happen to you. You can get sick, you can have accidents, you can get beat up, you can lose money.

Once again, don’t let it get to you. Keep your heart stainless. If things get bad, move through it as best you can and stay optimistic.

8-There Are Some Really Bad,Evil And Nasty People In The World

Unfortunately not everyone is good. There are some truly nasty, destructive and hateful people out there. They will purposely go out of their way to make you miserable or to destroy what you are trying to build up.

Stay away from those kinds of people and if they don’t want to listen, kick their ass  (just kidding)

9-There Are A Lot Of Good People In The World

I would say that there are much more good than bad people. While most people may be inherently good and on a neutral level, there are also many people who go out of their way to make a difference.

These are the kinds of people that you want in your life. Make friends with them, respect them and try and be one of these good people yourself.

10-You Can Live With Less

You don’t need a mansion in every continent, or a Ferrari, or $10 million in the bank.

Although money is certainly nice to have and something to strive for, you can be perfectly happy with a small apartment, great friends, an awesome girl and enough money to pay the monthly bills.

11-Friends Are (Very) Important

In fact, I’d go as far as saying that having a couple of true friends in your life is absolutely essential to your happiness. There’s nothing like having a friend who you can count on, who will do anything for you and who’s always keen to hang out or start an adventure with you.

If you have these kind of friendships, don’t let them fade. Hold on to them because they are priceless!

12-There Is Always Someone Better

There is always someone who is better than you in everything. Even if you are the best in the world at what you do, it’s just a matter of time before someone comes along who will be better than you.

This is not a bad thing at all. Try your best and strive to keep getting better, but don’t get hung up and frustrated because there are others out there who are better than you. That’s going to make you miserable.

13-Even When You Think You Suck, You’re Awesome

There will be times in your life when you feel like a useless douchebag. You may think you suck at something, you may think you are a failure or you may feel like the biggest idiot in the world.

Truth is that everyone feels that way sometimes. No matter how much you think you suck, there are people out there who look up to you and who respect you. You still have awesome qualities…so don’t ever forget that. You’re already perfect!

14-Treat Others As You Want Others To Treat You

Do you believe in karma? Well, whether you do or don’t, I really believe that you will get treated in the same way as you treat others.

If you’re a good person and you’re nice to others, this will likely happen to you. If you’re an ass to people and treat them like crap, at some point it will feel like the whole world is turning against you because you will get back what you sent out.

You will reap what you sow. So sow positivity!

15-Always Expect The Unexpected

Hardly anything ever goes as planned. That’s life and that is what makes life awesome.

You never know at what point your perfect life is going to crumble or at which point your crappy life is going to turn awesome. Try to think about possible situations that could happen and be prepared how to act in case those situations occur.

16-Your Ego Is Your Downfall

Your ego is a nasty thing. It can cause arrogance, over-confidence and stupidity if you’re not wanting to admit you are wrong and still carry on going.

I have learned that it is best to remove my ego from all situations. If I’m doing something purely for validation or pride…I ask myself if there is any other reason why I’m doing it. If not…then it’s just my ego wanting attention and I usually don’t do it.

17-You Can Learn Something From Everyone

No matter how smart or how dumb someone may seem, I really think that everyone has some golden nugget of wisdom to share. Whether it is a way of eating, a handy little trick to get something done or an age-old wisdom…never think that you can’t learn something from someone.

18-You Can Make Something From Nothing

You can start off with absolutely nothing and build a massive empire. You can create products or items that millions of people across the world will use.

You can write articles that hundreds of thousands of people will read. If you can imagine it, you can create it.

19-It’s Nice To Help People

One of the most rewarding things to do in life is to help someone else improve their life in some way.

If you can share your knowledge or skills with someone. Even just help someone out with a place to stay or a loan for them to start a business, you can make a world of difference.

Sometimes a smile is all it takes for you to help someone have a better day.

20- Work Smarter, Not Harder

Ridiculous hard work usually makes you more successful than others.

What will really make you successful beyond your wildest dreams is working ridiculously hard following the smartest and most proven to work methods.

I can work really hard and dig a huge hole in my garden. Will that make me successful? No! (Unless I find gold). But if I work really hard on creating something that everyone needs, that is going to make me wildly successful.

Work smarter, not necessarily harder.

21-Never Stop Learning

Life is one constant school. From the moment you are born you start to learn, and I think the biggest mistake a person can make is to stop learning.

Always keep reading, books are awesome. Keep interacting with people, make connections, learn new skills. Keep trying new things, do something that you have never done before.

22- Fight Club Is The Most Awesome Movie Ever
Out of the hundreds of movies I have seen in my life, my best and favorite still reigns as Cinderella Man.

It has inspired dozens of hard workers. I’m pretty sure it has inspired thousands of men around the world to achieve their life aim. On top of it all, it’s a movie you can watch every year of your life without it ever getting boring!

23-Your Health Is Everything

All the success, fame, money and friends in the world mean nothing if your health is so bad that you can’t enjoy life.

Take good care of your body and your health by exercising, meditating and eating healthy!

24-Good Or Bad – It’s Awesome Being Alive

I don’t understand people who say “Life sucks” or “Life is unfair”.

Life is the most awesome thing that you have…ever. Yeah it may be difficult, it may seem impossible to get anywhere and you may have been dealt crappy cards.

But as long as you are alive you have the possibility to achieve anything you want. The mere fact of being able to see, smell, hear, touch and taste is incredible.

Enjoy the awesomeness of life, and appreciate every moment that you have!

Happiness ... on MESS

I recently wrote on my Personal Diary a poem about happiness.

I wrote that (loosely translated here),

Happiness is

When nothing is between you and what you like

When you have the resilience to stand up even when you fall

When someone is there, meticulously caring for and protecting you

When a vulnerable heart just gets stronger than ever

Happiness is also

When you have a confident to rely on when you are down

When you are deep in thoughts, someone is quietly accompanying you

When someone is there to guide you to find the meaning of life

When you don't have to hide - you are just you

There is no need to compare and compete with others to know if you are happy

For happiness is just when life is spent in fun and joy

This has got to be one of the best things I have ever written in my diary; there is this feeling that kicks in my heart whenever I read it. I love it so much I read it to myself so many times a day and I keep reminding myself about it. I've also put it on my Laptop screen.

Maybe it's just me feeling so attached to these words.

It is now my little reminder to myself that it is not that difficult after all to be happy; it all depends on what one's definition of happiness is. Perhaps, when we try to be less harsh on myself - something I've recently realised and a lesson I'm still in the process of learning - and learn to see simple joys in life, we can all be a little happier and feel much better.

I've been at an emotional tug-o-war with myself these few weeks which have been very evident based on the contrast so there was long gap in post. I sink in so quickly, but yet I stand up just as quickly. Even I myself don't know what to expect my emotions to turn out to in a random day, for it is now just so unpredictable. I can be full of joy and smiles, but yet another day I may just be crying alone. Many things in my life right now are taking a toll on me - this vulnerable person here - having to deal with it. All I can do right now seems to be to just keep 'psycho-ing' myself that I'll be fine and I'll do great, but the question mark still stands.

Perhaps only time will tell.