Voice....."From a Notebook"

So. Here I am again, posting after a really dark spell. I’ve changed my mind about this entry, after sitting down to start writing it. I was going to write some clever and urbane thoughts about getting past a bout of depression and how my personality type is interacting with the uncertain period of life I’m swimming in and other stuff that makes me sound smart and analytical and together, like I’ve overcome a challenge and aren’t I grand? Listen to me, because I’ve got important things to say.
I changed my mind. I’m not going to do that.
Last evening I took myself to bed in the early evening, physically and mentally finished (immediately after I posted yesterday’s entry, in fact). I didn’t realize it consciously, but I needed silence and rest, and time to let my heart be what it was and feel what was in there to be felt. After a while, not sleeping but being quiet, I pulled out my scribbledy notebook, my journaling/note-taking/write-stuff-here-whenever notebook, and wrote some stuff. Several pages worth of what was in me to say. I opened it back up this morning, sitting with my computer and getting ready to write, and read what I had written about myself.
The following are direct excerpts from what I wrote in my scribbledy notebook, unedited except for clarity and to protect the innocent (marked with brackets). This isn’t me, clever. It’s me, real. I’m offering it in hopes that it will enable someone else to be themself, real. To maybe not feel as alone in the midst of confusion and depression and hurt. Because someone else has experienced those things too.
——————————————————
“I’m tired. I don’t know why. I just am. I don’t want to have to justify myself in order to have permission to feel bad.
“I don’t wanna need permission to feel bad. To be depressed. To be sad. I would like for it to be just accepted for what it is and move on. I would like for that to be true of me, for me [toward myself] too. To be able to accept it as a state of being that just is and is temporary and to let it pass through me as long as it needs to and then go. And not to try to cling to it or to push it away and struggle.
“I would like for it not to be a cause for comment among my family and friends — to be able to just ask for help with what I need, and the why not to be dwelt on. And then to be able to give them my thanks and we all just move on.”
——————————————————
“I don’t want to get stuck here, but I don’t want to have to feel like I have to fight either, like I’m even more wrong if I’m not fighting with my mood. Right now what I want is to rest. Just rest. For it to be legitimate to just rest. To have enough space and grace to rest in. For time to leave me alone for a while.”
——————————————————
“Do your work, and then you get a rest. Don’t be sad. Just get on with it. Don’t be confused. You should know how to do this. You should see more of the world. You should notice more. You should understand more. You shouldn’t be afraid. At least, not a crippling fear. You should very calmly and rationally work through this and come to a logical conclusion that can be steadily worked at until successful. There might be some problems on the way, but you should be able to work them out if you don’t get upset and keep working at it.
“Yeah. Should. Whatever.”
——————————————————
“I don’t know what I’m capable of. I don’t know what’s the right size of challenge to take on next.”
——————————————————
“I [really badly] want for everything to be settled and decided, so I treat my day to day ideas as The Thing, and present it that way to other people. And then it feels catastrophic when the next piece of information wrecks it. I’m really not okay with living with uncertainty. And it takes so much energy every time I have to wrench my mind/heart onto something different. I feel like an idiot telling people ‘sorry, no, changed my mind. Pay no attention to my OMG CERTAINTY, I was wrong.’ And then do it again and again. I don’t want to do it anymore.”
——————————————————
“I’m glad to have the chance to write this stuff down…. I feel like I’m going to get my energy back. Like this quieted space is a rest and not doom. I feel my spirits lift as the words flow over the page. My spirit is calmer and lighter. I will move on. For the first time in two days, I feel like I will move on from here.”

" My Resignation "

I'm certainly sick of trying to please people and i also retired myself from FB, so I hereby state that the only person I'm going to please is myself. Why didn't I think of this from the start? Fuck trying to win peoples hearts over with my amusing/sarcastic/clever/and even arrogant charm, you can come to me instead of me coming to you. If you want my attention so badly, then come here, stand in my way and demand it. These days I'm losing faith in everyone, no one particularly stands out anymore -- you're all the fucking same.
Dare to prove me wrong.

Friendship into Relationship....

A relationship can often grow from a friendship due to mixed feelings and the fact that buddy and a partner are kind of close in their  link to you anyway. However it’s not always a good move and could ruin a great friendship or at least make things awkward for a long time.

Friendship and intimate relationships are both equally important in life and sometimes you may want to hold onto that friendship and leave the intimacy out of it, especially if you are very close to each other. If you know anything and everything, all the gory details of each others lives and previous relationships, health issues, troubles and whats not then be careful. Anyway lets look at some tips before taking that leap.

Be sure you are not confusing feelings – Love comes in many forms and friendship is one of those. In hard times a friend may be there for you in every way possible and feelings can feel like they are really developing but you need to make sure this isn’t the troubles growing these thoughts. A friend is with you thick and thin and you should try and hold off until thin to really assess these feelings and make sure they are what you think they are.

Has this happened before? – It may not have been the first time you have hooked up or been close to hooking up. Did it cause problems and awkwardness before? What were the after feelings like and did you discuss the possibilities?

Have you both talked about it? – If you are very close then no feelings and thoughts should be off limits. Talk about it before jumping in. If the passion has already won out then talk it over and see if it was a mistake, just some fun or something that is possible to grow into a full on relationship.

What do your other friends say? – Have you discussed it with your other friends? Feelings and ideas feel different once shared so maybe cooping them up isn’t helping you make a good decision and your friends may help you clear things up. Maybe they were in a relationship before with another friend and act differently in such circumstances. They may be an awful partner but great friend.

Take things slow – You have likely been friends for a long time so what is the rush. Date slowly, ease into it and don’t go too far before finding out it will not work. The goal here is to preserve the friendship at all costs and put the intimate relationship second.

Try and date someone else! – I know this is odd advice but try and date someone else for a while and maybe tell them to do the same to see if you are still thinking of your friend all the time. It may not be fair on your date but you may meet your future partner and parent of your children or you may realise you are supposed to be with your friend!

+Friendship into Relationship, Your Advice?

At the end of the day your partner is often your best friend too, I know mine is and I am very lucky. I would like to think that if our relationship did ever end (which I hope it does not) that we could continue to be friends because she means a lot to me on all levels.

Have you ever dated a friend or come close? Are you in a long term relationship with someone who started as a friend and do you have any thoughts, tips or ideas to share?

Thanks for reading as always.

Switch to DunHill.....

New innovation of cigarette by Dunhill... Imagine, it’s just like an ice cream which you can mixed with other flavor... But now it’s a cigarette! As described on an store, “A Spicy, with a hint of sweetness, Dunhill Cigarettes do taste like real tobacco. Dunhill Cigarettes aroma is enticing and not spoiled by excessive use of various additives making Dunhill Cigarettes' taste a pure and recognizable one”  The at this instant they have this mixed blend of Spicy, sweetness and you can now switch it into a menthol flavor by smoking the same cigarette... Hi-Tech! Hehehehe...

Actually, the first thing that caught my attention of this cigarette is the package... As you can see packing and the design of each cigar... At the back you will see this instruction... Interesting!

So I bought it and tried, there is no difference about the taste from the Dunhill Blue which I usually smoked except when you switch it where suddenly you will taste the mentholated flavor...

This is what it looks like... A liquid menthol flavor packed on a small round blue green shell and when you pinch and pop it, the filter will absorbed the mentholated flavor which suddenly change the taste of the cigarette from a smooth taste into a cool menthol flavor... I remember my college days... A crazy joke that the head part of a matchstick inserted in the middle of a cigarette then ignite when heated... Hahahaha... I was also a victim of this silly joke...

Maybe there will be also different flavor coming out soon... Like strawberry, chocolate, mocha, etc.... Hehehehe... But always remember and as always warned us... Smoking is the main causes of fatal lung cancer, lung diseases, heart diseases and more... WTF! Stop Smoking! (I keep trying... But the sad thing is i cant quit...)

Fools No More!!!

There comes a time when you have to show people how important you are to them.  Many people will try to take advantage of you and you need to respond to those people by having some fun at their expense.  The one thing you can do to have some fun at their expense is to take everything away from them that you give to them.  If it is possible, you can simply remove yourself from them by not communicating with them and keeping your distance from them.  While they may attempt to act like your failure to communicate with them and hang around them has no impact, their internal truths unveil to them that your presence in their lives is truly vital.

Why should you have some fun at the expense of people who fail to appreciate you for what you truly mean in their lives?  Well, at some point, you have to stop being people’s play toy and begin to show folks that you have backbone.  If you do choose to do something for them while you are toying with them, require them to do things in exchange for what they want from you that you know they really do not want to do.  While they may not do what you ask them to do, you can simply enjoy the experience of them acting like they do not need you when they decline to do what you ask them to do, or you can simply sit back and gain great satisfaction in watching them do the things you know they do not want to do.  Is this really being cruel to these individuals?  Not at all!  They were not concerned with how they were treating you, so do not waste a whole lot of time thinking about what your fun at their expense is doing to them.  You have spent enough time worrying about them.  Take the time, energy, and resources you invest in them and devote them more to yourself and deserving people.

Now, if you have family and friends who have been underappreciating you, then you cannot simply let them continue to do this.  You have to make up in your mind that enough is enough!  Don’t let even the closest family member and friend take advantage of you any longer.  When close family and friends are trying to take advantage of you, you need to reconsider just how close you need to remain to them.  It’s okay to distance yourself completely from close family members and friends.  Let them feel what life is like without you.  They may just learn how to show you they appreciate you.

Before you begin to communicate and/or hang around these people again, make sure they have conspicuously evinced that they learned what it means to appreciate you.  For those people who want to keep acting like they don’t need you in their lives, then let them continue to suffer without you being in their lives.  Continue to enjoy watching them try to scramble to make things work for themselves when they know life is so much more difficult without what you have so generously provided and provide for them.

While it may be an ugly truth you don’t want to face, you must face it: refuse to continue to be people’s fool.  Turn the people who have tried to make you a fool into the true fools. Refuse to be used! Refuse to lose!  You cannot win in life when you keep letting everyone leech off of you and take advantage of you.  There’s a clear difference between being nice and being stupid.  Learn the difference and put your learning into practice.