There's Always Something..

There's Always Something.....

Why is it that even though we have great, exciting things happening in our lives that are cause enough to make us happy, there's always that one aspect we haven't quite achieved, no matter how small, that makes us question ourselves?

For instance, I just had the most mature and cathartic discussion with my parents, involving my coming out of the closet. It felt really good that when I told them, they accepted me, wholly, for the first time, for who I really am. As great a cause for celebration as this should be, I have to say that it's tainted, almost overshadowed, by that feeling in the back of my head, that knowing that someone out there (two, in fact) harbor adverse feelings toward me. One of them is a stranger with no sense of humor and the other, a close friend, who chooses to hold on to a petty grudge.


As of this moment, I have mixed feelings about myself. On the one hand, I feel validated and loved by my parents who chose me over their beliefs and principles. On the other, I feel lacking and inadequate because of the strong words of a complete stranger and because of the absence of words from a friend.


I read a quote once that said something like, "Life is a work-in-progress. The moment we stop struggling is the moment we stop having a reason to keep going." If I chose to live by this quote, it would be natural then to have these small battles going on inside of me constantly. But is it wrong for me to aspire to have everything working for me? To have everything that I ever wanted? Is true happiness that hard to obtain? Or is it even attainable at all?

long time.......

It’s been a long time.

I started this blog in July 2009, when i was almost alone. I was lonely, living in the middle of nowhere, with no adult conversation.

I am positive that blogging saved my sanity, more than once.
This little space, it’s been my safe haven. My place to hide, a dumping ground, somewhere to write out my thoughts and stresses, deal with them and move on.

When I started,obviously I had no readers, except one friend Asmi. For months, no one was reading here, Im looking forward to participate in NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month). I picked up a few readers over the course and i think n i am sure that my friend keep up my expectations.

Blogging is fluid. I’ve gained ample of readers and I’ve lost readers, aside from my regular commenters, I have no idea who reads here anymore. I’ve got less time to comment now, although I’ve probably got more blogs in my reader. Nowadays I blog and I enjoy every second of it, even some of my friends are sure that I’m ‘doing it wrong.’
It’s funny, I still check my Feedburner numbers most nights to see how many subscribers I have (in the scheme of things, not very many) and I will check my stats and referrals to see where people are coming from, at least once a day. Some things never change, and my obsession with stats is one of them.

I think, after all this time that things are starting to fall into place for me.


I’m a little late I know.I will be alwayz heartily thankful who sincerely, dutifully and unprofitably reads my screams!!!!


Who is your favourite blogger (while I’ll be thrilled if you say me, I know that it’s not true across the board, so be honest) and who was your first blog read?

verbal/external processor!

I have a tendency to talk like I think. We may all do that. But what I mean is that I am virtually incapable of speaking straight to the point. I tend to talk a lot around the main point of what I am trying to say, eventually getting closer to what I am really meaning to say. Sometimes I am not even sure what it is I'm trying to say, but the person I'm talking to has a way of stating the exact thought or feeling I'm attempting to share that just brings it clearly into the light! I use a lot of words, but it's usually so simple.

I think the reason is that when I talk or learn something, I tend to want to know the what, followed by the why, an explanation for whatever I've been told. Plus I like to be prepared and knowledgeable in case when I relay that information to another, I am ready to answer any questions asked of me. (Like what I have to do for my job, not in the sense of spreading gossip.)

The reason I bring this up is I'm noticing it is sort of a bit of a dilemma. I talk to people on the phone all day, answering their questions. It's one thing to give them a correct answer, it is another to understand WHY things are the way they are and I just have a hard time articulating a clear, concise response when a someone asks WHY such and such has happened.

Oh well, I am aware, I will continue to try to work on it, I don't know if it is possible to change the way I think....but I'll try to learn to communicate more efficiently!! Sometimes I think I just need to slow down, think before I speak - I'm definitely a verbal/external processor!

Do you believe in what people call ‘soulmates’? I, for one, do not. I’ve been told my way of looking at love is cynical but I don’t think so. I believe that a person call fall in love with anyone, given the timing is right. People fall in and out of your life, I don’t believe in destiny, things happen for no reason and you are left to try to control it - although you know you can’t. I only try to convince myself things are meant to be when something negative happens. But in the end, I don’t think it works like that.

My friends are not my friends because they are better than other people - I’ve learned to love them by being around them and getting to know them. If I spent time with most people, granted they weren’t extremely rude and had no interest in me, I could probably love them just as much as I love my friends now.

But somethings I find harder to explain, like the way you can meet people who just feel right for you. But then again, this might also be coincidence - and timing. But it is all so very shallow. I wish I could look at people and oversee their physical appearance. But of course that’s not possible. But if it was, I really wonder what I’d see.

But do not mistake me, if there is something I believe in it is love.
--

What is Love?

 

Quite a subjective question? A question where personal experiences can’t truly be separated from the subject matter at hand. It was on of those lonely boring nights where I decided I would take the question up with the general public – my general public that is.

Here are the responses that I got when I asked some of my friends “What is Love?”

"as far as i'm concerned, love is an excuse by mankind to dignify the lust that they feel for another during one point or another, it's a chemical reaction in the brain that lasts about 90 days (honeymoon period) proven by many scientists who really have too much time on their hands and don't get laid that often...
love is also a varying degree of admiration and acceptance garnered by one towards another
though in mine eyes it is the work of the DEVIL AAAAAAARGH
hahahahaha"

"God is love"

"Love is... that feeling inside when you look at the one you [love] . Its the feeling like you wanna be there for them when you can and you ALWAYS wanna be around them even when you have no reason to be.
Love is wanting to learn more about that person
Wanting to grow with that person
Love has different levels. Not puppy [love] and all that but [love] to different people. You do not [love] your gf the same way you [love] your parents.
There is [love] for siblings and [love] for a [love]r and for me, [love] to God.
But the one I told you about just now is of course, [lover] for a [love]r
Well, in general, I dont need to tell you about [love] of parents or God. Love for God is something else also
But when you [love[ someone, you cant seem to get that someone outta your head. You will feel happy when you think about her thought (sic) for guys, they sometimes dont express it that much.
Yea I am under the [love][sick] situation right now."

"warm fuzzy feeling and makes you skip and smile the whole time"



"hmm
love is not just about loving someone wholeheartedly
it is more than that
love is based on acceptance, giving and understanding
and not forgetting tolerating
each other
and because of love, u want the other party to be happy regardless of how hurt or sad u are"

"it's something that can't be described in words
well..
i cant put it into words at least"

"Love is a feeling where u like someone and to the extent where it cant be defined..
lol"

desarkar.paulami:" love is something which you will search but u won't get
it's an eternal search"...
 
"o.O
since there is no response...i would say...
Love is everything"

I won’t put what I think, mainly cos this post really isn’t about me. I did initiate this post as a search for an answer but ultimately there isn’t one. You make it all up as you go along.
I gotta say, I wholeheartedly agree with my bestest friend (her lines up there) - if you know, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Loads ahead!!!!!

So far this week has felt like that.



Wanted to go for movie; but no Friends.
Wanted to talk; but all are Busy.

Wanted to go for jog; but unable to woke up.
Went to collect something; it wasn’t there.
Went to see someone; they weren’t in.



A summarily short list but it has roll-over consequences. It builds up one after the other. Especially if you haven’t caught a break in between them it feels as if things are ganging up on you.


* * *
On a slightly different tone, I was listening to Deff leppard's and while grooving to the rock riff and the lyrical lyrics I realised what kind of songs I like – I like those that make analogies. Similes, metaphors, and all those words you learn in English lit. Lyrics are important of course and everyone is attracted to music that you can relate to. And if you know me (or read my posts) you will know that the weird way I express myself usually involves a lot of analogies or some nonsense like that. It works for me. I don’t know why.



I suppose I like to imagine things and when it comes to describing something I can’t describe, associating it to something I can visualise helps.






I only blog when I’m feeling- well, basically when I’m feeling down, or angry, or sad. Usually not when I’m happy. So those massive gaps in time between posts don’t mean that the previous post represents my feelings/thought/emotions until the next post; it means that nothing really twisted my gut till then.



So by the process of analysis, my gut is twisted as we speak.



I feel so F-ed up right now. There is one thing that’s niggling in the back of my mind which although is a small niggle, is a niggle nonetheless. Then there are the other things. The oppressive cloud of gloom and depressives that is looming over me. The things mention in the first bit of this post. The fact that I feel lonely – and that’s no one’s fault.



I feel I aught to qualify that last sentence. It’s nothing that anyone else can do about it. There are certain responsibilities and decisions that I have to take on my own shoulders. There are things that only I can do for whatever purpose. Its not that I don’t have friends or rather, that there aren’t friends around, but it’s more like being stuck on a branch that’s so high up that no one can get you down till the fire truck gets there. It’s rather a helpless situation.



There are so many things that I have to do – tomorrow, this week, this year my 12 goals. Its pretty much weighing down on my shoulders (no wonder my shoulder blade have been stiff and sore since Friday).



It’s only something time will heal. But until then, I feel like crap. I want to punch something.

!2 MONTHS !2 GOALS

 HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my blog reader........

 I have decided to set some goals for myself for this new year- 12 things I want to accomplish within a year. If I can knock one off the list each month, I'm doing great. The clock starts today Friday, Jan 1, 2010; I intend to have all 12 done by Friday, December 31, 2010. I will revisit the list every month on the 1st and post an update here. This is no meme, I just decided today that I need to get going on some stuff.

1.Grab one good job.

• I have to crack one interview. Just have to get off my lazy ass and do this thing.

2. Take some guitar lessons.

• I don't want to be the next Jimi Hendrix or anything...just want to be able to play a few blues and rock'n'roll tunes.

3. Weight loss plan - goal is 198 lbs. lean mass, 30-40 lbs. fat

• One of the hardest goals on here, but damn it, I'm going to do it. I intend to document my progress on this in each monthly update, so if I'm slacking all my readers (both of you) can call me on it.

4. Playboy-Romantic hunk.

• I've been meaning to do this for a long time. i have got many complains from my companion that i am not a romantic guy at all . So people,who thinks like that plz, come forward and help me in developing that quality.
  

5. Update my will.

• Haven't updated it since i had been laid-off. Being in love changes some of the particulars, so i need to update it.

6. Start my own college fund.

• I've been meaning to do this since i was born. Need to do this one ASAP.

7. Design and convince a client to make a building for myself.

• I've been thinking about making and designing and prop a sideline. Could tie in to #10 below.

8. Deal with my adolescence, maturity.

• I need to behave like that, damn it! i am not a kid.“The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.”

9. To be with my loved ones.

• I really miss people who loves me. i want to stay with you forever. my family, friends and love.have to work a lot to unite everything....oh Chetu bhaiyya ...plz give some tips.
  

10. Future growth of inch n cubes.

• Maybe I'll be the next Dhiru bhai ,I have to think and plan new strategies for the growth.
  

11. Go on at least one decent length road trip.

• It's about the drive, not the destination.

12. Visit any international country (could combine with #11!) or Amsterdam.

• Preferably with friends. Got a preference? Gimme a vote for one or the other.