Frustration......Aarrrgghh

I'm having kind of a frustrating week.

I won't go into all of it. Generally I have no issue with putting all my thoughts into the WWW, however there are some people involved that I know would have an issue with that. I will just say that couple of night night I ended up crying coz  of my Gossip Girl and True Life and feeling like a huge jerk. I really don't feel like I'm in the wrong but I'm someone who feels guilty about pretty much everything so right now my heart just hurts with the amount of sadness and guilt I'm feeling. I hate it.

Then today morning consultancy adviser emailed me that still had to wait for a couple of days. As I was looking through it I realized my pocket would not cover my flat rents. Which pretty much means I can't go to hell. With me still being unemployed,I am just making ends meet. So of course I started to freak out a little bit. Especially because i am not running PERFECT. I'd be giving up architecture, which would be good for me.
I really feel like I need another life to prove myself. I think it's just coming back and having one stressful thing after another happening.

Anyway, hopefully my would be life will be better.........

Dramatic Life

real life is rarely as dramatic as it is in my head.

and if i'm honest, then i would even have to admit that much of the drama in my life is conceived too often within the confines of my own brain. not to mention that many of the problems i face arise from my own doing.

   :    : poor decisions.
   :    : words spoken in anger.
   :    : laziness & its friend procrastination.
   :    : thinking that i can do it all on my own.

sometimes being honest with yourself is one of the more painful things that a person can do.

   :    : at least this person.

this person who has a seeming inability to not extend grace to himself when he fails.

i forget things.

forget that there was a great price paid for my freedom, my life.

today i will not forget.

i will live in the space of these words :"I am a man of slightly higher dimension."

Discipline........

there are times in my life when i have so much discipline that i amaze myself... unfortunately these periods of amazement are usually swiftly followed by times when i am as undisciplined as a bowl of jello.

so much for consistency.

i own more than a few books on the topic of spiritual disciplines. were you to look at my bookshelf, and see the highlighted portions of these many books, you would probably assume that i was one of the most spiritually disciplined people you could ever hope to meet.

unfortunately, the opposite is true. i am drawn to books on the disciplines because i am so hopelessly undisciplined most of the time.

i am in a rut of indiscipline right now.

things were going good until about a week ago, when, for a stupid, emotional reason, i allowed myself to be derailed, and am now fighting to pick it all up again. being the king of self-induced and irrational guilt, i constantly beat myself up about it... which, strangely enough, isn't very inspiring. you'd think i'd have figured that out by now.

the bottom line is that i want to be better. i want to love God better today than i did yesterday. i want to be a better designer and writer. a better friend, brother, son. and the only way that that happens, is if RAHMAT is a more disciplined chap.

not that there is magic in the disciplines. there isn't. but they help to put me in a place where i can actually hear God speak in the midst of all the noise i cram into my life. and because of that, they are fully necessary.

Complicacies in LOVE

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

”valentine's day is coming up.

the holiday of lOoOoOoOve. i have always had mixed reviews on this holiday. i've had good years and bad years. last year's was a disaster.

but this is not what i want to talk about.

it just reminds me of gratefulness for what we have in general.

we shouldn't just need a holiday to acknowledge how we feel about someone else...

but people, in general, are ungrateful as a whole.

why, as people, are we so damn ungrateful? we always look for warning signs in other people as reasons not to be with them or be friends with them. why is this? to judge and say, oh no...i've got to get away from this one. which is understandable to a point. we don't want to surround ourselves with a bunch of weirdos with extreme issues.

what is wrong with flaws though? shouldn't we embrace the little things that make us not so perfect? instead of looking for warning signs, shouldn't we just enjoy each other? no one is fucking perfect. it's as though after we get burned, we don't allow ourselves to fully love another without keeping a guard up...and looking for reasons why this person is not good enough to keep around.

wake up. appreciate who you have. so what if your girlfriend takes 2 hours to get ready for everything? that your boyfriend plays his video games a little longer than you'd like? stop being so selfish and enjoy some quality time with your significant other before it's too late. he or she is not going to wait around for you to appreciate him or her forever. read the signals that they're not feeling wanted or appreciated anymore.

don't just show him you love him on valentine's day. make it more often. make it on a random day he doesn't expect. hey you, bring her some flowers on a day she wouldn't expect. write her a card for no reason. love and appreciate each other. do something nice even when you feel like things are on the rocks. how did you get there in the first place? probably from not taking care of things when you should have been. probably because he feels like you don't care anymore or she feels like you don't love her like you used to. probably because you are letting little things that shouldn't matter, old fights and burrowed resentment, cover up what made you fall in love in the first place.

stop being lazy. be appreciative. do the things you used to do when things are new. reignite your spark. a valentine's card once a year and a birthday present isn't all it takes to be a good boyfriend / girlfriends too. stop nagging.

remember the beginning and why it was so special...before any bullshit seeped in the cracks. there was obviously something that meant a lot to you to make you want to be with that person. don't forget what made them special. this will happen in relationships/marriages. don't let every day stress and worry take over completely. count your fucking blessings, my friends. be thankful for what you have and let bygones be bygones. happy valentine's day and love with every bit of your soul. :) go grab your man or woman and tell 'em they are special. like now. go.

yuppie!!!! um proud to be an Uncle

Not by blood, but by many years of a wonderful friendship with my best friend in this wide world. My Best Friend Sibtey bhaiz is blessed with beautiful Angel girl and I am very much excited to hug her.As she is first nex-gen of our friendship credentials, crazy right? I know that the father are going to be wonderful parents and will help them both grow into stronger, mature, people.Sibtey bhai's has never put himself first, He is always helping and caring for others, I'm so glad that it is finally time that he will care for himself and the little bun in the craddle. I cant wait to walk this road with his baby angel. Bhai I am here, by your side, every step of the way, I hope you know that. I love you.



.......to a precious BABY GIRL!!!! Today was the big day, of finding out best friends baby. I am just thrilled to death in happinees that he is having exactly what he wanted, a beautiful, precious baby girl. and I am honored to be an uncle of this angel as this tender age , to share that experience with you is wonderful. I almost let out tears once, but go me, I held them back. I couldnt wait to find out how they pampering baby and now I am very inquisitive to know the name to be christened.


Knowing there is a girl props also helps tons in the planning of the baby shower,i expect from these parents to nurture there roots with loads of love and warmth, they must have a whole, seperate, folder in "My Favorites" with pictures, websites, and lots of fun ideas, now its time to start the other topic, cause we all know she will be a beautiful one for the new spoiled princess headed our way.


When a baby enters this world,

into your life
A baby can make you forget your
worries and strife.
It really doesn't matter whether
it's a girl or a boy
A baby will melt your heart and bring you joy!
So shower a baby with love,
every single day.
Show a baby you
For with a blink of an eye, time truly care-
there's so many ways. 
will fly out the door-
and your precious baby, won't
be a baby anymore!!

I love you beautiful baby GIRL...........Thanx a ton to you and CONGRUTULATIONs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BRA-OGRAPHY!!!!!

Odd things happen to me in my life- and surprising lessons too,sometimes........

Not long ago , i have been to clothing material shop with my Fashion designer friend.I had lobbied hard to get a seat so i'd have little more things to check out as the entire space were filled with women.

In a fraction of second,one man came up with cup sorta thing made up of fabric,it was just giving a feeling of swine-flu mask to me...

Lucidly,i picked up and tried fighting to fix on my mouth.I was obviously conducting a stress test on that cup,assessing how to fix as a mask coz there was no band or strap to tie.People in the shop especially women fixed with a furious stare as if i am challenging her all and my designer buddy gasped,pointed at me and blurted "it is for ball not for you". I was stunned by his comment and suddenly i figured out photographs of gorgeous lady sporting BRA on the wraps of that cup.

Silently,agreed what my friend was trying to convince without any notions or gesture,i banged that stuff on the counter,Embarrassment was high on peak,i didnt tried to gaze at women's weary eyes around me and quietly i left the shop.




"Most things in life are moments of pleasure and a lifetime of embarrassment; BRA-ography is a moment of embarrassment and a lifetime of pleasure.”

Reality of Romance

It's Friday afternoon and I've been overcome with a mix of feelings: guilt, loneliness, and romance. (Most importantly, romance.)
Plz come forward i am missing you today. Maybe it's because I've recently seen Nothing Hill, or it's that I've been listening to Leona Naess, who I might add can make you feel emotional in an instant, (If you haven't heard of her, be sure to start with Lazy Days, Shiny on the Inside, and Sunny Sunday.) or maybe it's the gloomy weather that's bringing up these emotions to the surface, (or maybe the combination of the three) but somehow, I just needed to get away from it all.

After watching way too much trashy., (as Leona puts it) I chose to hide away in my bedroom, windows shut and covered in blankets. Some might say this is a pathetic way to live, shutting yourself off from the world by going into hiding in your room, but to me, it's not only comfortable, I feel it's very well-deserved. I'm less than a third on reading/looking about others and something that had an effect on me: "Reality rarely lives up to the romance." Sad, but true. Life is hard, sometimes excruciating. I think it's only natural that sometimes we willingly choose to cut ourselves off from the sad, exhausting reality that is life. In fact, I don't even know why I'm trying to justify this, because it's perfectly normal. Since I can't pause life, all I basically did was change the channel. Everyone does this. Everyone gets sick of life, at some point in their lives. Why else do we blog?

Lived right smack in the middle of a roller coaster. I mean, imagine that for a second. Living with fantasy all the time, suspended from reality (sometimes literally) 24/7? I mean, in retrospect, that's probably partially the reason why people ended up being such a neurotic and pessimistic character, but having that immense playground to yourself whenever you want, being detached from reality and not having a care in the worldI know I've blogged before about how I'm so glad about finally being an adult and grown-up and mature. It's just that I guess when things don't go a certain way, when people disappoint you, when you're just sick of it all, you just want to cover yourself up and somehow, underneath those covers, you hope, that once you put the covers down, it'll all be better. It's like that peek-a-boo game that you play when you were a kid, you don't know it's gonna be the same face behind those hands, but somehow, you hope, once those hands are down, it'll all get better.


I guess this is just another bump in the road, and we all have our own ways of dealing with them. Some people choose to face it head on, some decide to shy away from it, I, on the other hand, chose to live on my own terms, and pretend it never happened....