Random thoughts....

Today, I was reminded that I sulk in posting blog. I am provided with enough time every day to post our blogs but I don't know why I have difficulties writing one.




At four o'clock or sometimes three, I'm allowed to take my friends laptop to do my blog tasks. It also means that a whole day of work is nearing to be done. That is why when the minute hand struck twelve while the hour hand pointed at four, I celebrate.



But when I'm already in front of the monitor, I am just sitting there staring blankly on the space where the blog is supposed to be encoded. I know I do have many things to say but somehow I don't know how to say those things.



The same thing happens when I'm around people. I can just sit or be with them and not making the effort to talk. Many people do always comment on my silence. Sometimes, I'm tagged as unfriendly or a snob because of this. I never knew why I didn't develop my talking skills. I know there are a lot of things inside me to be said, but I always opted never to vocalize them. :)

Mental Status at 101F

It’s only 3.43am and I am awake and I am desperately waiting for my dwelling mates, Actually, I have been awake since 3am, with this fever bugging me. I am 101F now; I guess the thermometer will not deny to say so. Not quite sure if it's high enough to be consider as a fever. But for sure I feel the pain. My head is so painful now; tummy is being rebellious and feel like my bones are cracked. I tried to go back to sleep after taking the medicine but cannot fall asleep. Lying on bed somehow hurts my head even more. Sitting and doing nothing also hurt my head. So I decided just to write. Hopefully while I am writing now, the medicine will start reacting and brings my body temperature down. I do not have time to be ill now. As i am here to make some riyals and it’s my first priorities...

Feel like calling home now. But I know I shouldn't. Don't wanna make them worry. Yesterday I already felt the symptom. My body was kinda warm, though I didn't check how warm I was (wonder if "warm" is really the term. oh wtvs!), and I felt like vomiting. My friends are away and i am here with empty heart in a empty flat., then I start thinking about how if human reproductive system was like flower's. They 'have sex' by animal or wind seed dispersal. Oh, that wont be nice I guess. Every time it is windy outside, I'll just be sitting at home, wrapping myself with impermeable cloths to make sure no sperm will got dispersed by the wind to the surrounding females. Or, I'll be carrying a bug killer (not so sure what it is..lol) to kill bugs that are flying around me! Coz otherwise they'd get pregnant!! LOL. And I thank God I am not a flower, neither human's reproductive system is like flower's.

Another question in my mind which is if there are two closed toilets – one for gents and the other for ladies. But on the doors, nothing is written except two equations – one for gents and the other for ladies. But on the doors, nothing is written except two equations – door no 1 has the linear equation f(x) = mx + c; door no 2 has the quadratic equation f(x) = ax² + bx + c. Which toilet will i enter?* After a lots of involvement with all my physics and mathematics logical senses: I guess the answer will be *when a man urinates, it follows the quadratic equation. On the contrary, for women, it follows a linear equation. So I must select toilet no 2.i wonder what will happen if this system implemented on every public toilets.....

Ying n Yang

Yesterday  I read an article in a very stale newspaper(as u know i am always very late and i have to love old and stale ones)about how ‘males will extinct from the face of the earth in some 500 million years ago’. Later, another article came saying that some scientists successfully developed artificial sperms. God, would we really be extinct was the question that was puzzling me.

A lady stated that she thinks that men only give a woman pleasure in bed and that is all they mean to her. It was just that lady who said it to press. Nobody knows what the real number of ‘these’ ladies is. Moreover, countries are done with ‘gay rights’drama. I want to explain taking an example. India allowed homosexuality. Men on men, women on women. Women can get the sperms(artificial) they need. Men can also have a test tube baby but the number is very less. One day would come when men really would become extinct. Then what? Ladies governing the world? I don’t say that they don’t have the guts to do that. But the fact that they are very serious about gossiping stuffs and ego problems threatens me to think what that world would be like.

The parliament would see all the women coming in the best dresses with full make ups. But who would be there to see them? Might be they would all start their talks with what are the latest cosmetics available, who is going to someone’s party or something else. What about the world ladies? Men can at least compromise and they put their egos behind while taking their decisions. If the ladies would let their ego come in the way of making their decisions then… God save them!

There are so many things that a woman can give a man and vice versa. I don’t think the unbalanced world would survive everything that comes their way as well as we do it right now!

The problems with losing friends!!!!!!!!!!!

The problem with losing friends is that sometimes you miss them. A lot.

I've always, always said that if I lost a friend then it was probably the way it was meant to be. Maybe I don't exactly like the reason but I need to step back and let things happen the way that they're supposed to. Maybe one day they'll come back. If they're meant to.

It doesn't make the absence they've left any easier to deal with, though. There are some people that aren't in my life anymore that I know are not there for a VERY GOOD REASON. Those people I don't miss so much as I sometimes wonder - what are they are to? Have they changed? Are they less like they used to be? There are some people, though, that I miss every single day. The holes in my heart that they left will never, ever close up. And that's pretty awful.

I'm not sure what to say. Should I explain that as I write this I have tears in my eyes. Should I say that I have a hard time looking at pictures with them in them because it hurts me to remember those good times? Should I call and tell them that I thought of them today, that something happened and all I could think was, "Gosh I wish I could call..."

I don't like being called a liar. I don't like being told I'm a bad friend. I don't like apologizing only to have that apology taken and thrown right back at me. I'm a human being. Yeah, I've made mistakes in my life. And some of those mistakes, I'm sad to say, I regret. But it's sad when you've had someone around for SO LONG and maybe you take them for granted. And then one day they aren't there. And things aren't the same as they used to be.

I don't know where I'm going with this. For the most part I'm happy. And then I think about the day I said, "One day, we'll be old and in wheelchairs and we'll be acting just as lame and goofy as we always did." And it really just makes me want to cry.

Ugh.

Frustration......Aarrrgghh

I'm having kind of a frustrating week.

I won't go into all of it. Generally I have no issue with putting all my thoughts into the WWW, however there are some people involved that I know would have an issue with that. I will just say that couple of night night I ended up crying coz  of my Gossip Girl and True Life and feeling like a huge jerk. I really don't feel like I'm in the wrong but I'm someone who feels guilty about pretty much everything so right now my heart just hurts with the amount of sadness and guilt I'm feeling. I hate it.

Then today morning consultancy adviser emailed me that still had to wait for a couple of days. As I was looking through it I realized my pocket would not cover my flat rents. Which pretty much means I can't go to hell. With me still being unemployed,I am just making ends meet. So of course I started to freak out a little bit. Especially because i am not running PERFECT. I'd be giving up architecture, which would be good for me.
I really feel like I need another life to prove myself. I think it's just coming back and having one stressful thing after another happening.

Anyway, hopefully my would be life will be better.........

Dramatic Life

real life is rarely as dramatic as it is in my head.

and if i'm honest, then i would even have to admit that much of the drama in my life is conceived too often within the confines of my own brain. not to mention that many of the problems i face arise from my own doing.

   :    : poor decisions.
   :    : words spoken in anger.
   :    : laziness & its friend procrastination.
   :    : thinking that i can do it all on my own.

sometimes being honest with yourself is one of the more painful things that a person can do.

   :    : at least this person.

this person who has a seeming inability to not extend grace to himself when he fails.

i forget things.

forget that there was a great price paid for my freedom, my life.

today i will not forget.

i will live in the space of these words :"I am a man of slightly higher dimension."

Discipline........

there are times in my life when i have so much discipline that i amaze myself... unfortunately these periods of amazement are usually swiftly followed by times when i am as undisciplined as a bowl of jello.

so much for consistency.

i own more than a few books on the topic of spiritual disciplines. were you to look at my bookshelf, and see the highlighted portions of these many books, you would probably assume that i was one of the most spiritually disciplined people you could ever hope to meet.

unfortunately, the opposite is true. i am drawn to books on the disciplines because i am so hopelessly undisciplined most of the time.

i am in a rut of indiscipline right now.

things were going good until about a week ago, when, for a stupid, emotional reason, i allowed myself to be derailed, and am now fighting to pick it all up again. being the king of self-induced and irrational guilt, i constantly beat myself up about it... which, strangely enough, isn't very inspiring. you'd think i'd have figured that out by now.

the bottom line is that i want to be better. i want to love God better today than i did yesterday. i want to be a better designer and writer. a better friend, brother, son. and the only way that that happens, is if RAHMAT is a more disciplined chap.

not that there is magic in the disciplines. there isn't. but they help to put me in a place where i can actually hear God speak in the midst of all the noise i cram into my life. and because of that, they are fully necessary.