I just want to apologize for lack of blogging. I've been wanting to
rather badly, but due to Internet issues, I have not been able to. I
have lots to tell you about. Just stay tuned...
And I can't wait
to be back. Tomorrow my friends... Will tell you more on that topic later. I
hate to go now, but I'm just letting you know I'm still here!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
40TH
okay, i couldn't wait to post my big 40TH post!
Probably i am getting naughty at 4o..Lolz
i have put up Fourty posts on this blog! that just makes me so very happy and kinda proud of myself. take that, written diary! ((well, i like those too...))
40 posts of happiness, depression, anger, secrets, venting, random bullshit, beliefs, laughter, silly stories, pictures, videos, friends, getting-togethers, discovering myself, changes and obvious NEW YEAR..... ETC. ETC.
for your viewing pleasure....not. i'm nerd.
BUT SERIOUSLY to all of you wonderful folks out there, thank you for continuing to read my crap. i love you all :D a whole new bloggy year is coming up! i hope it will be a good one. but for now, let's just stay on track with the holiday that it actually is: THANKSGIVING!
ya'll be careful and eat all you want to! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :)
nothin' la-ck a south-urn thanksgivin' ;) HAPPY NEW YEAR AND 40TH POST DAY!
your's
i have put up Fourty posts on this blog! that just makes me so very happy and kinda proud of myself. take that, written diary! ((well, i like those too...))
40 posts of happiness, depression, anger, secrets, venting, random bullshit, beliefs, laughter, silly stories, pictures, videos, friends, getting-togethers, discovering myself, changes and obvious NEW YEAR..... ETC. ETC.
for your viewing pleasure....not. i'm nerd.
BUT SERIOUSLY to all of you wonderful folks out there, thank you for continuing to read my crap. i love you all :D a whole new bloggy year is coming up! i hope it will be a good one. but for now, let's just stay on track with the holiday that it actually is: THANKSGIVING!
ya'll be careful and eat all you want to! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :)
nothin' la-ck a south-urn thanksgivin' ;) HAPPY NEW YEAR AND 40TH POST DAY!
your's
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
hello winter....!!!!
hello winter. i've been waiting for you.
i really do love this time of year. and the truth is, that even though it has been somewhere north of 25 years since i have gotten up excitedly on the day after labor day, donned some new outfit that was really too hot to wear in the still-summer weather, and headed off to the first day of the new school year, i still miss it... and there is a part of me that wishes i could go.
before you begin to think me some kind of super student, i was much more concerned with the social aspects of my high school career than any of the academic pursuits. the classes themselves were merely a means to an end {and my high school language teacher, Mr. Monterio, will be the first in line to tell you about that! he certainly talked to my parents enough about it...}
even as a child, before my intense dislike of heat, and need to hide from the sun, summer was my least favorite season. i always hated the fact that come the end of june, things stopped. i couldn't see my friends every day. people who i wanted around went on vacation. all the usual was unusual, and not at all enjoyable.
then, hello winter.
while there are no pictures, i am sure that on the first day back to school, i walked through the halls with a blissful, goofy smile. so happy to be back surrounded by friends, seeing favorite teachers, and all the lovely chats we regularly had in art class.
so, even though this weekend won't mark the last boring weekend until the fun starts for me, i am excited that today is the beginning of school season. last saturday.
and this fall i am thinking of doing something for social, so perhaps that will help assuage the nostalgia that attempts to overwhelm me.
i can only hope...
i really do love this time of year. and the truth is, that even though it has been somewhere north of 25 years since i have gotten up excitedly on the day after labor day, donned some new outfit that was really too hot to wear in the still-summer weather, and headed off to the first day of the new school year, i still miss it... and there is a part of me that wishes i could go.
before you begin to think me some kind of super student, i was much more concerned with the social aspects of my high school career than any of the academic pursuits. the classes themselves were merely a means to an end {and my high school language teacher, Mr. Monterio, will be the first in line to tell you about that! he certainly talked to my parents enough about it...}
even as a child, before my intense dislike of heat, and need to hide from the sun, summer was my least favorite season. i always hated the fact that come the end of june, things stopped. i couldn't see my friends every day. people who i wanted around went on vacation. all the usual was unusual, and not at all enjoyable.
then, hello winter.
while there are no pictures, i am sure that on the first day back to school, i walked through the halls with a blissful, goofy smile. so happy to be back surrounded by friends, seeing favorite teachers, and all the lovely chats we regularly had in art class.
so, even though this weekend won't mark the last boring weekend until the fun starts for me, i am excited that today is the beginning of school season. last saturday.
and this fall i am thinking of doing something for social, so perhaps that will help assuage the nostalgia that attempts to overwhelm me.
i can only hope...
BID ADIEU...........
In my past, I relied to much on the ones I called my friends, the
people I cared about. These people meant the world to me, I loved each
one.
Come August, it was proven to me that some who seem like true friends, can really be those who pretend to care. In a time of need, a time when I could use reassurance, it seemed as though I was not heard. Needless to say, I blew up and others where hurt. I guess a true friend would have questioned what I said instead of assuming that I never wanted to speak to anyone ever again. A true friend wouldn't have turned to hate as an emotion to rely on in this situation; a true friend would not have insulted their friends. A true friend would have recognized a sincere apology and understood the pain the other was going through instead of saying goodbye
This, right now, to me, is my goodbye to those who have chosen to take themselves out of my life. This is my goodbye to the memories of them, my locking them in a trunk in the back of my mind.
This New Years will be memorable to me in the fact that I can have a new start. I can now stop thinking and dreaming of the past. In 2010, I can break myself down and rebuild, without those harmful influences, I can renew everything in my life. I will make new memories, and I will invite those who want, to join me in doing so.....
Come August, it was proven to me that some who seem like true friends, can really be those who pretend to care. In a time of need, a time when I could use reassurance, it seemed as though I was not heard. Needless to say, I blew up and others where hurt. I guess a true friend would have questioned what I said instead of assuming that I never wanted to speak to anyone ever again. A true friend wouldn't have turned to hate as an emotion to rely on in this situation; a true friend would not have insulted their friends. A true friend would have recognized a sincere apology and understood the pain the other was going through instead of saying goodbye
This, right now, to me, is my goodbye to those who have chosen to take themselves out of my life. This is my goodbye to the memories of them, my locking them in a trunk in the back of my mind.
This New Years will be memorable to me in the fact that I can have a new start. I can now stop thinking and dreaming of the past. In 2010, I can break myself down and rebuild, without those harmful influences, I can renew everything in my life. I will make new memories, and I will invite those who want, to join me in doing so.....
GOODBYE to the PAST.
HELLO to the FUTURE.
HELLO to the FUTURE.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Things that makes me Happy
I am to write about 6 things that make me happy.....
1.My darling Girlfriend .For couple of months,I didn't understand what happiness was,it was elusive,always seeming to be just around the corner out of reach.She came into my life meant that I turned that corner and have walked slap bang into happiness.She came to show me the way and her evolution set up a chain of events, some of which have been extremely difficult. I have had to work through a lot of baggage but it has been soooooo worth it to get to where I am today and I know this isn't the end of the line I have more happiness to come.It is within me,I no longer have to look to other people or material things for it.
2.My wonderful,patient,loving Mom who has been on this journey with me and stayed onboard even though she hadn't asked me for her cash back ;-))
3.A walk on the Amir Nisha in AMU whatever the weather.When I had to give up study due to ill health or mental block I moved nearer to my friend, I lived in a university small room with no heating and very basic ameneties.I had my lovely hobby who gave me an incentive to sleep for entire day.Almost every day i took an hour walk to a wonderful road.I would spend ages sitting on the corner gazing out lovely chics with a fag in hand .I look back at these times as some of my happiest memories even though it was a difficult time in my life.To me the road has healing powers.
4.A long chat on Dhabba's with cuppA of tea gang groups of friend.It was a sayin that "circle of friends is directly proportion to waste of time" but still i love that.
5.A cup of tea and packs of fag :-)
6.The wonderful people that have come into my life over the last 10 years.Some have been people we began seeing in their professional capacity who have since become friends, some have been real life people who have come into my life just when I needed a friend.Some have been online people I have never met, who have reached out to connect and I can't thank you all enough. It has helped so much having this place to come and work through thoughts and feelings and just to share what we are doing and to have some feedack and support makes it even better.
Passing this on to some more.I am not tagging you on your blogs, but if you happen to pop in here and feel like having a go please do,and take yourself a Tree of Happiness award too.--
1.My darling Girlfriend .For couple of months,I didn't understand what happiness was,it was elusive,always seeming to be just around the corner out of reach.She came into my life meant that I turned that corner and have walked slap bang into happiness.She came to show me the way and her evolution set up a chain of events, some of which have been extremely difficult. I have had to work through a lot of baggage but it has been soooooo worth it to get to where I am today and I know this isn't the end of the line I have more happiness to come.It is within me,I no longer have to look to other people or material things for it.
2.My wonderful,patient,loving Mom who has been on this journey with me and stayed onboard even though she hadn't asked me for her cash back ;-))
3.A walk on the Amir Nisha in AMU whatever the weather.When I had to give up study due to ill health or mental block I moved nearer to my friend, I lived in a university small room with no heating and very basic ameneties.I had my lovely hobby who gave me an incentive to sleep for entire day.Almost every day i took an hour walk to a wonderful road.I would spend ages sitting on the corner gazing out lovely chics with a fag in hand .I look back at these times as some of my happiest memories even though it was a difficult time in my life.To me the road has healing powers.
4.A long chat on Dhabba's with cuppA of tea gang groups of friend.It was a sayin that "circle of friends is directly proportion to waste of time" but still i love that.
5.A cup of tea and packs of fag :-)
6.The wonderful people that have come into my life over the last 10 years.Some have been people we began seeing in their professional capacity who have since become friends, some have been real life people who have come into my life just when I needed a friend.Some have been online people I have never met, who have reached out to connect and I can't thank you all enough. It has helped so much having this place to come and work through thoughts and feelings and just to share what we are doing and to have some feedack and support makes it even better.
Passing this on to some more.I am not tagging you on your blogs, but if you happen to pop in here and feel like having a go please do,and take yourself a Tree of Happiness award too.--
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Ambition
When I was younger I always said (or convinced my self and, possibly, others) that "I will get whatever I want if I fight for it!"------------
Things were more predictable when you are less aged, I indeed second this motion! Goals were easier to achieve as long as one dares to put as much effort as possible, even better if supported with perfectionism. That's what I used to be and to think, I'd say. But that's not quite true though. Sometimes, some failures are just unavoidable regardless the amount of sacrifice one put. And the lessons from those failures aren't always crystal clear. In fact, most of them are just naturally long-term lessons that come with pains. It's neither the easiness of goals nor the works I put that makes things seem to be more under control in the past and not so much now. The older you are, the more knowledge you gain (any type of knowledge!). Surprisingly yet ironically, the more knowledge I gain leads me to the realization on how less knowledgeable I am!-----------
As one's age increases, one's thoughts expand. The more people I meet, broader activities I am engaged in, increased tasks yet less resting time, more complex conversations, greater freedom and responsibilities. All those aspects I am dealing now, that I did not face when I was younger, teach me that "necessary" is not quite the same as "sufficient". Age will lead people to see their goals as a big puzzle frame, instead of stressing so much on each puzzle piece. To start seeing success as a life journey and not a final destination is like a watershed moment from leaving the "naive perfectionist" and becoming a "realistic high-aimer". I guess, in my early 20s, I am still far away from being a mature, wise and emotionally stable man. As my age progresses, I am hoping that, from the early school of life, I will be able to learn to distinguish which of my needs/ interests are necessary and which are sufficient.--------------
Let's put those thoughts aside and talk about the main fact I actually wanted to talk about in this post (as always, it takes at least one paragraph to be straight forwardly writing about the main messages). These phase I am going through now, I have to decide or choose the right direction of work - they take forever! I need to deal with them in order to come up with a good proposal and thus get the right deal, I have been wanting for! While thinking, I was wondering- do I really want to do this? I try to connect this one educational goal of mine to my thought about the "necessary and sufficient" issues, and as a result, this bothering thought came to my mind: Am I doing this for the sake of passion or for the goodness of passion's ambition? If it's passion that foregrounds my goal, how big is it? Is it big enough that, if I get the deal or contract, it will bring as much enjoyment as knowledge to me? What about if it is actually ambition, purely ambition? People often say that ambition usually prevents someone from knowing his true passion of life. Is that bad then? I might suck then, right?! Or, say it is a combination of both passion and ambition. Do I have each of them equally? If I have more of ambition than passion or vice ver sa, what are the pros and cons?----------------------- *does it mean: the older you are, the more paranoid you become?
Things were more predictable when you are less aged, I indeed second this motion! Goals were easier to achieve as long as one dares to put as much effort as possible, even better if supported with perfectionism. That's what I used to be and to think, I'd say. But that's not quite true though. Sometimes, some failures are just unavoidable regardless the amount of sacrifice one put. And the lessons from those failures aren't always crystal clear. In fact, most of them are just naturally long-term lessons that come with pains. It's neither the easiness of goals nor the works I put that makes things seem to be more under control in the past and not so much now. The older you are, the more knowledge you gain (any type of knowledge!). Surprisingly yet ironically, the more knowledge I gain leads me to the realization on how less knowledgeable I am!-----------
As one's age increases, one's thoughts expand. The more people I meet, broader activities I am engaged in, increased tasks yet less resting time, more complex conversations, greater freedom and responsibilities. All those aspects I am dealing now, that I did not face when I was younger, teach me that "necessary" is not quite the same as "sufficient". Age will lead people to see their goals as a big puzzle frame, instead of stressing so much on each puzzle piece. To start seeing success as a life journey and not a final destination is like a watershed moment from leaving the "naive perfectionist" and becoming a "realistic high-aimer". I guess, in my early 20s, I am still far away from being a mature, wise and emotionally stable man. As my age progresses, I am hoping that, from the early school of life, I will be able to learn to distinguish which of my needs/ interests are necessary and which are sufficient.--------------
Let's put those thoughts aside and talk about the main fact I actually wanted to talk about in this post (as always, it takes at least one paragraph to be straight forwardly writing about the main messages). These phase I am going through now, I have to decide or choose the right direction of work - they take forever! I need to deal with them in order to come up with a good proposal and thus get the right deal, I have been wanting for! While thinking, I was wondering- do I really want to do this? I try to connect this one educational goal of mine to my thought about the "necessary and sufficient" issues, and as a result, this bothering thought came to my mind: Am I doing this for the sake of passion or for the goodness of passion's ambition? If it's passion that foregrounds my goal, how big is it? Is it big enough that, if I get the deal or contract, it will bring as much enjoyment as knowledge to me? What about if it is actually ambition, purely ambition? People often say that ambition usually prevents someone from knowing his true passion of life. Is that bad then? I might suck then, right?! Or, say it is a combination of both passion and ambition. Do I have each of them equally? If I have more of ambition than passion or vice ver sa, what are the pros and cons?----------------------- *does it mean: the older you are, the more paranoid you become?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Little boy !!!!
I met a little boy on the road today. He must not have been older
than 10 years of age. He was selling one of those smiley face
plasticine things that change shape when you push or pull at them. I
asked him how much he was charging and he said Rs. 25. I gave him Rs.
30 and as I was friction-ing up my bike he tapped saying 'your
change'. I told him 'you can keep it' [rakh lo] and he replied (rather
offended) 'I do not take money' [mein paisay nahi leta]. I watched him
walk away tall and upright. I felt shallow within. I am five ruppees
richer but much poorer than that little boy on the road. I hope his
principles survive through time and age.
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