Just friends!!!!!!!Relax

Just friends!!!!!!!Relax

I'm so torn. I feel that I've truly lost a friendship that was near and dear to me for the last seven years. Most of my friends have come and gone, used and abused our friendship, however my friend Bubbly has always been there for me. And I've been there for her as well. We've gone through a lot together. But always as friends. Nothing more. We went to jaipur, hung out, and played together that bottle game. I was there for her when she was not with me, when her best friend left him for years ago, and now when she became a top notch architect.

I want to be so happy for her, if only she seemed happy. She's been wanting this since we were freshmen in college, talking about the big day she was going for the awards ceremony for NIASA thats what we both dreamt off. When I asked her if she's nervous or excited, his response is "I'm just ready." Not the response I would expect or hope from her.

Her best friend and i had a fight since then i didnt met him. He feels threatened by me because someone that was once a friend of his, that know me either, said to watch his back. I'm in a happy, healthy, long-term relationship with this woman that I'm with and that I love. She refuses to meet me, but hello, if you met me you would know that it's not like that, I'm actually a really good, friendly person and I just want my friend to be happy.

Consider me one of the gals. She's no longer allowed to hang out with me and our conversations have become a rarity. I miss my friend.

the letter 'H'

Just in time for the holidays

Nothing like a boring meeting on to make me pick up the threads of something I let slide for months: reading blogs. And nothing like catching up on blogs (which is sorta like catching up with a whole bunch of old friends, all at the same time) to make me realise that I'm way, way, I’m.

For the record, yes, this took me couple days to complete. The letter 'H' is harder than it looks.
10 Things I love that begin with ... the letter 'H'

1. Home --- namely, the apartment where my parents and I have been nesting for the past 100 years or so. It's not posh, it's not huge, it's not tidy --- but it's got everything where we want it to be (more or less), a great view of the neighbourhood, is in a lovely neighbourhood itself with sum scattered slum, and it's ours.

2. Himachal Pradesh, where in 2000 I spent a few very touristy days with college mates from Aligarh, though it was my first college trip,in our architectural lingua we call it“study tour”,then spent a few very drunk days with the friends --- wherein I discovered that trekking was not that hard to pick up, tourist drivers give local drivers the evil stink-eye, why the other side of apples garden is always green? and the local people would have killed us unless we didn’t thrown up our camera.

3. Hosseini Khalid --- wickedly good Iranian writer. I read his books, then despair of ever being able to write.

4. "Hero" Enrique Iglesias and other carols of its ilk. Blame it on when I used to sing in full heroic manner,”I can be ur hero baby” with a deep Indian accent which seems so heavenly honest entailed going carolling on road.

5. Halwa—specially gajar (carrots) and the term halwa I really hats-off the person who christened it.

6. Hrithik Roshan. But only because I just watched Lakshya again on Monday, and I'm feeling that really my country needs me.

7. Hadid Zaha—an architect-well, maybe not so much in particular, but I was a bit of bi-ased with the way she design. The interest was only brought up short by the cold hard brick wall of reality when I realised how much actual physics I would need to have in my back pocket if I go for case study of her designed building seriously coz 99% of wall is not at right angle.


8. Haroun and the Sea of Stories, which I only read after I was about to leave AMU. Such a beautiful book, metaphorically and literally, if you happen to own the illustrated version, which, I snatched with great jealousy from Ifty my roomies.

9. Harami! –Bastard, Which is a term I hardly ever use, actually, but it was the first thing comes in my mind when I was struggling with this H-list. Oops.

10. Honda Activa—my dream, my passion an my first bike.By the time I purchashed I had no passion left in me, my hairs turns grey in saving cash for it.

Lonliness knows me by my name.......

I've felt this way before . Most of the time I'm fine...most of the time I enjoy myself. But every once in a while this profound loneliness comes over me.

Today I can understand some of it. My friends are away and I'm somewhat isolated so I think lonliness takes on a greater role than it should in my life. I'm a great believer in taking action...if things aren't good, then doing something to make it better.

But right now I can't. I'm limited because of some residual effects of nerve pain...can't work at a decent job that pays enough to support what I need to do. This particularly hurts because I was recently kicked out from my job coz economic downturn and totally in cash trap as if world bank jus' belongs to me. Soon i got an an offer from MNC...it's a real offer... It would take a lot of financial pressure off me and unfortunately i'm not that lucky to grab the job I had to turn them down because my inside docs said no.... and I know they're right. I've tried forcing things before and I always get much sicker. I've learned I need to accept where I am but it sucks. Sorry but sometimes it just does. I'll get over this...I always do but right now that's how I feel.

And the loneliness is not just missing my friends and having pain...it's more.

An existential angst...a longing for love...probably both. I used to live in a big world...my world has become smaller and I have struggled to do more than stay afloat. I have struggled to change...to adapt...dare even to thrive. Sometimes I can be a star. Sometimes, like now, I fail.

I am overwhelmed with longing and I'm not completely sure what would fill that void.I want to touch the stars...I want to ride the ocean's waves...I want to be a wild horse running along the ocean's shore. I want someone to see me and love me for what they see. And I want to do the same for them. Dosh!!!So Terribly lonely I could just sit here and cry...

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this or if I will have the courage to post.