Ying n Yang

Yesterday  I read an article in a very stale newspaper(as u know i am always very late and i have to love old and stale ones)about how ‘males will extinct from the face of the earth in some 500 million years ago’. Later, another article came saying that some scientists successfully developed artificial sperms. God, would we really be extinct was the question that was puzzling me.

A lady stated that she thinks that men only give a woman pleasure in bed and that is all they mean to her. It was just that lady who said it to press. Nobody knows what the real number of ‘these’ ladies is. Moreover, countries are done with ‘gay rights’drama. I want to explain taking an example. India allowed homosexuality. Men on men, women on women. Women can get the sperms(artificial) they need. Men can also have a test tube baby but the number is very less. One day would come when men really would become extinct. Then what? Ladies governing the world? I don’t say that they don’t have the guts to do that. But the fact that they are very serious about gossiping stuffs and ego problems threatens me to think what that world would be like.

The parliament would see all the women coming in the best dresses with full make ups. But who would be there to see them? Might be they would all start their talks with what are the latest cosmetics available, who is going to someone’s party or something else. What about the world ladies? Men can at least compromise and they put their egos behind while taking their decisions. If the ladies would let their ego come in the way of making their decisions then… God save them!

There are so many things that a woman can give a man and vice versa. I don’t think the unbalanced world would survive everything that comes their way as well as we do it right now!

The problems with losing friends!!!!!!!!!!!

The problem with losing friends is that sometimes you miss them. A lot.

I've always, always said that if I lost a friend then it was probably the way it was meant to be. Maybe I don't exactly like the reason but I need to step back and let things happen the way that they're supposed to. Maybe one day they'll come back. If they're meant to.

It doesn't make the absence they've left any easier to deal with, though. There are some people that aren't in my life anymore that I know are not there for a VERY GOOD REASON. Those people I don't miss so much as I sometimes wonder - what are they are to? Have they changed? Are they less like they used to be? There are some people, though, that I miss every single day. The holes in my heart that they left will never, ever close up. And that's pretty awful.

I'm not sure what to say. Should I explain that as I write this I have tears in my eyes. Should I say that I have a hard time looking at pictures with them in them because it hurts me to remember those good times? Should I call and tell them that I thought of them today, that something happened and all I could think was, "Gosh I wish I could call..."

I don't like being called a liar. I don't like being told I'm a bad friend. I don't like apologizing only to have that apology taken and thrown right back at me. I'm a human being. Yeah, I've made mistakes in my life. And some of those mistakes, I'm sad to say, I regret. But it's sad when you've had someone around for SO LONG and maybe you take them for granted. And then one day they aren't there. And things aren't the same as they used to be.

I don't know where I'm going with this. For the most part I'm happy. And then I think about the day I said, "One day, we'll be old and in wheelchairs and we'll be acting just as lame and goofy as we always did." And it really just makes me want to cry.

Ugh.

Frustration......Aarrrgghh

I'm having kind of a frustrating week.

I won't go into all of it. Generally I have no issue with putting all my thoughts into the WWW, however there are some people involved that I know would have an issue with that. I will just say that couple of night night I ended up crying coz  of my Gossip Girl and True Life and feeling like a huge jerk. I really don't feel like I'm in the wrong but I'm someone who feels guilty about pretty much everything so right now my heart just hurts with the amount of sadness and guilt I'm feeling. I hate it.

Then today morning consultancy adviser emailed me that still had to wait for a couple of days. As I was looking through it I realized my pocket would not cover my flat rents. Which pretty much means I can't go to hell. With me still being unemployed,I am just making ends meet. So of course I started to freak out a little bit. Especially because i am not running PERFECT. I'd be giving up architecture, which would be good for me.
I really feel like I need another life to prove myself. I think it's just coming back and having one stressful thing after another happening.

Anyway, hopefully my would be life will be better.........

Dramatic Life

real life is rarely as dramatic as it is in my head.

and if i'm honest, then i would even have to admit that much of the drama in my life is conceived too often within the confines of my own brain. not to mention that many of the problems i face arise from my own doing.

   :    : poor decisions.
   :    : words spoken in anger.
   :    : laziness & its friend procrastination.
   :    : thinking that i can do it all on my own.

sometimes being honest with yourself is one of the more painful things that a person can do.

   :    : at least this person.

this person who has a seeming inability to not extend grace to himself when he fails.

i forget things.

forget that there was a great price paid for my freedom, my life.

today i will not forget.

i will live in the space of these words :"I am a man of slightly higher dimension."

Discipline........

there are times in my life when i have so much discipline that i amaze myself... unfortunately these periods of amazement are usually swiftly followed by times when i am as undisciplined as a bowl of jello.

so much for consistency.

i own more than a few books on the topic of spiritual disciplines. were you to look at my bookshelf, and see the highlighted portions of these many books, you would probably assume that i was one of the most spiritually disciplined people you could ever hope to meet.

unfortunately, the opposite is true. i am drawn to books on the disciplines because i am so hopelessly undisciplined most of the time.

i am in a rut of indiscipline right now.

things were going good until about a week ago, when, for a stupid, emotional reason, i allowed myself to be derailed, and am now fighting to pick it all up again. being the king of self-induced and irrational guilt, i constantly beat myself up about it... which, strangely enough, isn't very inspiring. you'd think i'd have figured that out by now.

the bottom line is that i want to be better. i want to love God better today than i did yesterday. i want to be a better designer and writer. a better friend, brother, son. and the only way that that happens, is if RAHMAT is a more disciplined chap.

not that there is magic in the disciplines. there isn't. but they help to put me in a place where i can actually hear God speak in the midst of all the noise i cram into my life. and because of that, they are fully necessary.