Things are getting very strange, very quickly.
My thoughts and my life are like a rope, slipping through my fingers and I can’t grip it, I can’t stop it slipping away, I can’t hold it still.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
My pulse is…very fast. I can feel it everywhere and, like everything else, my heartbeat feels like it’s running away from me, like I can’t catch up. I feel…tingly, like halfway between an itch and a shiver, and I can’t keep still.
I’ve been walking empty streets at night. I’m not scared of the dark, I’m not scared of the occasional people I see. I’m not scared that nobody knows where I am. I’m scared of being in my room, trapped, caged.
I can’t shut my brain up but I can’t think properly either. Everything is too fast, too jumbled. I start a thought and immediately another one cuts in, and it’s connected but not really, and I can’t keep up, I don’t even understand my own thoughts anymore. Half way through a thought, I will get stuck on a word. And that word will just repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, countless times until I manage to break free of it, only then I can’t remember what the rest of the thought was and I get stuck and confused and then more thoughts come and they start repeating too, and there’s still the faint repetition of previous thoughts echoing around my head and it doesn’t make sense and if I could just think for a moment then perhaps I could work out what is wrong or find a way to cope with it, but of course, the problem is that I can’t just think for a moment.
And I don’t know what my mood is because I don’t really feel anything apart from this confusion and panic and compulsion to move, to walk, to be somewhere else. And when, occasionally, briefly, I slow down for a moment I suppose I feel alright, quite good, making plans for the future and oh, God, I think I sent emails to about 5 companies earlier asking about their vacancies and I don’t know why because I don’t even know if I’m going to apply, I don’t even know if I’ll crack this interview or if I will even be alive by next year because a person can’t live so completely on edge as I am now; something will have to give, I can’t keep this up, can I? Surely this can’t carry on?
I try to distract myself. But I can’t read my favo book. I read a sentence or two and then I’m so completely distracted that I give up, I open a new novel but the same thing happens again, and my room is just scattered with books and magazines that I haven’t been able to get past the first page of. And I’m in a cafe now, but I can’t concentrate on listening to music or watching things because it’s the exact same problem, and I can’t concentrate on anything and when something does get through to me, it gets stuck in my head, repeating over and over until it loses whatever meaning it had.
Last night there were flies in my room. All over the walls and the ceiling above my bed. I was frightened, which is stupid, because who’s scared of flies? But I didn’t know how they’d got in and obviously I couldn’t go to bed when they were there, and I spent so long swatting at them on my walls, but when I hit them it was like they’d disappeared, I couldn’t see them anymore, and then I’d look back to where they were and they were there again, or they weren’t there but there was a mark on my wall, and I kept wondering if that was what it was all along…there are little marks on the walls and ceiling, just wear and tear and not-so-stellar paintwork, but why would I mistake them for flies? I just sat there and watched them for a while, and it was like they were dancing, like their movements formed a code, like bees do, and I didn’t want to kill them but I couldn’t have them there and I kept hitting every bit of wall I could reach and then I got tired and I slept for a while and when I woke up they were gone and I completely panicked and couldn’t stop thinking what if they flew into my mouth while I was asleep? and I nearly threw up and I had to get out, and I walked around and around, all over and I can’t get rid of this nervous, agitated energy and I am scared of flies but not of strangers or darkness or deserted alleyways.So people, who consider me that i'm a GEEK, Probably they are right.
It’s just because I’m tired, I think. Small things become huge. Everything becomes confusing.
I know that this is strange. I know that I am making little sense. I know I should have spent today doing work for my job rather than walking around randomly, so quick I was almost running, trying to tire myself out or stop this continuous need to move.
I don’t really know what’s happening. It’s difficult to think about it, difficult to think about anything.
I’m trying to be calm, but I’m fighting a losing battle.
I have to go now. I’m in a cyber cafe and the only other person here is a guy who keeps breathing out really loudly though his nose and if I have to listen to it much longer I’ll probably say something bitchy or punch him in the face or something. Also, it’s kind of almost midnight so I should probably be going anyway. I have to get up in the morning.
