I just want to apologize for lack of blogging. I've been wanting to
rather badly, but due to Internet issues, I have not been able to. I
have lots to tell you about. Just stay tuned...
And I can't wait
to be back. Tomorrow my friends... Will tell you more on that topic later. I
hate to go now, but I'm just letting you know I'm still here!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
40TH
okay, i couldn't wait to post my big 40TH post!
Probably i am getting naughty at 4o..Lolz
i have put up Fourty posts on this blog! that just makes me so very happy and kinda proud of myself. take that, written diary! ((well, i like those too...))
40 posts of happiness, depression, anger, secrets, venting, random bullshit, beliefs, laughter, silly stories, pictures, videos, friends, getting-togethers, discovering myself, changes and obvious NEW YEAR..... ETC. ETC.
for your viewing pleasure....not. i'm nerd.
BUT SERIOUSLY to all of you wonderful folks out there, thank you for continuing to read my crap. i love you all :D a whole new bloggy year is coming up! i hope it will be a good one. but for now, let's just stay on track with the holiday that it actually is: THANKSGIVING!
ya'll be careful and eat all you want to! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :)
nothin' la-ck a south-urn thanksgivin' ;) HAPPY NEW YEAR AND 40TH POST DAY!
your's
i have put up Fourty posts on this blog! that just makes me so very happy and kinda proud of myself. take that, written diary! ((well, i like those too...))
40 posts of happiness, depression, anger, secrets, venting, random bullshit, beliefs, laughter, silly stories, pictures, videos, friends, getting-togethers, discovering myself, changes and obvious NEW YEAR..... ETC. ETC.
for your viewing pleasure....not. i'm nerd.
BUT SERIOUSLY to all of you wonderful folks out there, thank you for continuing to read my crap. i love you all :D a whole new bloggy year is coming up! i hope it will be a good one. but for now, let's just stay on track with the holiday that it actually is: THANKSGIVING!
ya'll be careful and eat all you want to! mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :)
nothin' la-ck a south-urn thanksgivin' ;) HAPPY NEW YEAR AND 40TH POST DAY!
your's
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
hello winter....!!!!
hello winter. i've been waiting for you.
i really do love this time of year. and the truth is, that even though it has been somewhere north of 25 years since i have gotten up excitedly on the day after labor day, donned some new outfit that was really too hot to wear in the still-summer weather, and headed off to the first day of the new school year, i still miss it... and there is a part of me that wishes i could go.
before you begin to think me some kind of super student, i was much more concerned with the social aspects of my high school career than any of the academic pursuits. the classes themselves were merely a means to an end {and my high school language teacher, Mr. Monterio, will be the first in line to tell you about that! he certainly talked to my parents enough about it...}
even as a child, before my intense dislike of heat, and need to hide from the sun, summer was my least favorite season. i always hated the fact that come the end of june, things stopped. i couldn't see my friends every day. people who i wanted around went on vacation. all the usual was unusual, and not at all enjoyable.
then, hello winter.
while there are no pictures, i am sure that on the first day back to school, i walked through the halls with a blissful, goofy smile. so happy to be back surrounded by friends, seeing favorite teachers, and all the lovely chats we regularly had in art class.
so, even though this weekend won't mark the last boring weekend until the fun starts for me, i am excited that today is the beginning of school season. last saturday.
and this fall i am thinking of doing something for social, so perhaps that will help assuage the nostalgia that attempts to overwhelm me.
i can only hope...
i really do love this time of year. and the truth is, that even though it has been somewhere north of 25 years since i have gotten up excitedly on the day after labor day, donned some new outfit that was really too hot to wear in the still-summer weather, and headed off to the first day of the new school year, i still miss it... and there is a part of me that wishes i could go.
before you begin to think me some kind of super student, i was much more concerned with the social aspects of my high school career than any of the academic pursuits. the classes themselves were merely a means to an end {and my high school language teacher, Mr. Monterio, will be the first in line to tell you about that! he certainly talked to my parents enough about it...}
even as a child, before my intense dislike of heat, and need to hide from the sun, summer was my least favorite season. i always hated the fact that come the end of june, things stopped. i couldn't see my friends every day. people who i wanted around went on vacation. all the usual was unusual, and not at all enjoyable.
then, hello winter.
while there are no pictures, i am sure that on the first day back to school, i walked through the halls with a blissful, goofy smile. so happy to be back surrounded by friends, seeing favorite teachers, and all the lovely chats we regularly had in art class.
so, even though this weekend won't mark the last boring weekend until the fun starts for me, i am excited that today is the beginning of school season. last saturday.
and this fall i am thinking of doing something for social, so perhaps that will help assuage the nostalgia that attempts to overwhelm me.
i can only hope...
BID ADIEU...........
In my past, I relied to much on the ones I called my friends, the
people I cared about. These people meant the world to me, I loved each
one.
Come August, it was proven to me that some who seem like true friends, can really be those who pretend to care. In a time of need, a time when I could use reassurance, it seemed as though I was not heard. Needless to say, I blew up and others where hurt. I guess a true friend would have questioned what I said instead of assuming that I never wanted to speak to anyone ever again. A true friend wouldn't have turned to hate as an emotion to rely on in this situation; a true friend would not have insulted their friends. A true friend would have recognized a sincere apology and understood the pain the other was going through instead of saying goodbye
This, right now, to me, is my goodbye to those who have chosen to take themselves out of my life. This is my goodbye to the memories of them, my locking them in a trunk in the back of my mind.
This New Years will be memorable to me in the fact that I can have a new start. I can now stop thinking and dreaming of the past. In 2010, I can break myself down and rebuild, without those harmful influences, I can renew everything in my life. I will make new memories, and I will invite those who want, to join me in doing so.....
Come August, it was proven to me that some who seem like true friends, can really be those who pretend to care. In a time of need, a time when I could use reassurance, it seemed as though I was not heard. Needless to say, I blew up and others where hurt. I guess a true friend would have questioned what I said instead of assuming that I never wanted to speak to anyone ever again. A true friend wouldn't have turned to hate as an emotion to rely on in this situation; a true friend would not have insulted their friends. A true friend would have recognized a sincere apology and understood the pain the other was going through instead of saying goodbye
This, right now, to me, is my goodbye to those who have chosen to take themselves out of my life. This is my goodbye to the memories of them, my locking them in a trunk in the back of my mind.
This New Years will be memorable to me in the fact that I can have a new start. I can now stop thinking and dreaming of the past. In 2010, I can break myself down and rebuild, without those harmful influences, I can renew everything in my life. I will make new memories, and I will invite those who want, to join me in doing so.....
GOODBYE to the PAST.
HELLO to the FUTURE.
HELLO to the FUTURE.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Things that makes me Happy
I am to write about 6 things that make me happy.....
1.My darling Girlfriend .For couple of months,I didn't understand what happiness was,it was elusive,always seeming to be just around the corner out of reach.She came into my life meant that I turned that corner and have walked slap bang into happiness.She came to show me the way and her evolution set up a chain of events, some of which have been extremely difficult. I have had to work through a lot of baggage but it has been soooooo worth it to get to where I am today and I know this isn't the end of the line I have more happiness to come.It is within me,I no longer have to look to other people or material things for it.
2.My wonderful,patient,loving Mom who has been on this journey with me and stayed onboard even though she hadn't asked me for her cash back ;-))
3.A walk on the Amir Nisha in AMU whatever the weather.When I had to give up study due to ill health or mental block I moved nearer to my friend, I lived in a university small room with no heating and very basic ameneties.I had my lovely hobby who gave me an incentive to sleep for entire day.Almost every day i took an hour walk to a wonderful road.I would spend ages sitting on the corner gazing out lovely chics with a fag in hand .I look back at these times as some of my happiest memories even though it was a difficult time in my life.To me the road has healing powers.
4.A long chat on Dhabba's with cuppA of tea gang groups of friend.It was a sayin that "circle of friends is directly proportion to waste of time" but still i love that.
5.A cup of tea and packs of fag :-)
6.The wonderful people that have come into my life over the last 10 years.Some have been people we began seeing in their professional capacity who have since become friends, some have been real life people who have come into my life just when I needed a friend.Some have been online people I have never met, who have reached out to connect and I can't thank you all enough. It has helped so much having this place to come and work through thoughts and feelings and just to share what we are doing and to have some feedack and support makes it even better.
Passing this on to some more.I am not tagging you on your blogs, but if you happen to pop in here and feel like having a go please do,and take yourself a Tree of Happiness award too.--
1.My darling Girlfriend .For couple of months,I didn't understand what happiness was,it was elusive,always seeming to be just around the corner out of reach.She came into my life meant that I turned that corner and have walked slap bang into happiness.She came to show me the way and her evolution set up a chain of events, some of which have been extremely difficult. I have had to work through a lot of baggage but it has been soooooo worth it to get to where I am today and I know this isn't the end of the line I have more happiness to come.It is within me,I no longer have to look to other people or material things for it.
2.My wonderful,patient,loving Mom who has been on this journey with me and stayed onboard even though she hadn't asked me for her cash back ;-))
3.A walk on the Amir Nisha in AMU whatever the weather.When I had to give up study due to ill health or mental block I moved nearer to my friend, I lived in a university small room with no heating and very basic ameneties.I had my lovely hobby who gave me an incentive to sleep for entire day.Almost every day i took an hour walk to a wonderful road.I would spend ages sitting on the corner gazing out lovely chics with a fag in hand .I look back at these times as some of my happiest memories even though it was a difficult time in my life.To me the road has healing powers.
4.A long chat on Dhabba's with cuppA of tea gang groups of friend.It was a sayin that "circle of friends is directly proportion to waste of time" but still i love that.
5.A cup of tea and packs of fag :-)
6.The wonderful people that have come into my life over the last 10 years.Some have been people we began seeing in their professional capacity who have since become friends, some have been real life people who have come into my life just when I needed a friend.Some have been online people I have never met, who have reached out to connect and I can't thank you all enough. It has helped so much having this place to come and work through thoughts and feelings and just to share what we are doing and to have some feedack and support makes it even better.
Passing this on to some more.I am not tagging you on your blogs, but if you happen to pop in here and feel like having a go please do,and take yourself a Tree of Happiness award too.--
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Ambition
When I was younger I always said (or convinced my self and, possibly, others) that "I will get whatever I want if I fight for it!"------------
Things were more predictable when you are less aged, I indeed second this motion! Goals were easier to achieve as long as one dares to put as much effort as possible, even better if supported with perfectionism. That's what I used to be and to think, I'd say. But that's not quite true though. Sometimes, some failures are just unavoidable regardless the amount of sacrifice one put. And the lessons from those failures aren't always crystal clear. In fact, most of them are just naturally long-term lessons that come with pains. It's neither the easiness of goals nor the works I put that makes things seem to be more under control in the past and not so much now. The older you are, the more knowledge you gain (any type of knowledge!). Surprisingly yet ironically, the more knowledge I gain leads me to the realization on how less knowledgeable I am!-----------
As one's age increases, one's thoughts expand. The more people I meet, broader activities I am engaged in, increased tasks yet less resting time, more complex conversations, greater freedom and responsibilities. All those aspects I am dealing now, that I did not face when I was younger, teach me that "necessary" is not quite the same as "sufficient". Age will lead people to see their goals as a big puzzle frame, instead of stressing so much on each puzzle piece. To start seeing success as a life journey and not a final destination is like a watershed moment from leaving the "naive perfectionist" and becoming a "realistic high-aimer". I guess, in my early 20s, I am still far away from being a mature, wise and emotionally stable man. As my age progresses, I am hoping that, from the early school of life, I will be able to learn to distinguish which of my needs/ interests are necessary and which are sufficient.--------------
Let's put those thoughts aside and talk about the main fact I actually wanted to talk about in this post (as always, it takes at least one paragraph to be straight forwardly writing about the main messages). These phase I am going through now, I have to decide or choose the right direction of work - they take forever! I need to deal with them in order to come up with a good proposal and thus get the right deal, I have been wanting for! While thinking, I was wondering- do I really want to do this? I try to connect this one educational goal of mine to my thought about the "necessary and sufficient" issues, and as a result, this bothering thought came to my mind: Am I doing this for the sake of passion or for the goodness of passion's ambition? If it's passion that foregrounds my goal, how big is it? Is it big enough that, if I get the deal or contract, it will bring as much enjoyment as knowledge to me? What about if it is actually ambition, purely ambition? People often say that ambition usually prevents someone from knowing his true passion of life. Is that bad then? I might suck then, right?! Or, say it is a combination of both passion and ambition. Do I have each of them equally? If I have more of ambition than passion or vice ver sa, what are the pros and cons?----------------------- *does it mean: the older you are, the more paranoid you become?
Things were more predictable when you are less aged, I indeed second this motion! Goals were easier to achieve as long as one dares to put as much effort as possible, even better if supported with perfectionism. That's what I used to be and to think, I'd say. But that's not quite true though. Sometimes, some failures are just unavoidable regardless the amount of sacrifice one put. And the lessons from those failures aren't always crystal clear. In fact, most of them are just naturally long-term lessons that come with pains. It's neither the easiness of goals nor the works I put that makes things seem to be more under control in the past and not so much now. The older you are, the more knowledge you gain (any type of knowledge!). Surprisingly yet ironically, the more knowledge I gain leads me to the realization on how less knowledgeable I am!-----------
As one's age increases, one's thoughts expand. The more people I meet, broader activities I am engaged in, increased tasks yet less resting time, more complex conversations, greater freedom and responsibilities. All those aspects I am dealing now, that I did not face when I was younger, teach me that "necessary" is not quite the same as "sufficient". Age will lead people to see their goals as a big puzzle frame, instead of stressing so much on each puzzle piece. To start seeing success as a life journey and not a final destination is like a watershed moment from leaving the "naive perfectionist" and becoming a "realistic high-aimer". I guess, in my early 20s, I am still far away from being a mature, wise and emotionally stable man. As my age progresses, I am hoping that, from the early school of life, I will be able to learn to distinguish which of my needs/ interests are necessary and which are sufficient.--------------
Let's put those thoughts aside and talk about the main fact I actually wanted to talk about in this post (as always, it takes at least one paragraph to be straight forwardly writing about the main messages). These phase I am going through now, I have to decide or choose the right direction of work - they take forever! I need to deal with them in order to come up with a good proposal and thus get the right deal, I have been wanting for! While thinking, I was wondering- do I really want to do this? I try to connect this one educational goal of mine to my thought about the "necessary and sufficient" issues, and as a result, this bothering thought came to my mind: Am I doing this for the sake of passion or for the goodness of passion's ambition? If it's passion that foregrounds my goal, how big is it? Is it big enough that, if I get the deal or contract, it will bring as much enjoyment as knowledge to me? What about if it is actually ambition, purely ambition? People often say that ambition usually prevents someone from knowing his true passion of life. Is that bad then? I might suck then, right?! Or, say it is a combination of both passion and ambition. Do I have each of them equally? If I have more of ambition than passion or vice ver sa, what are the pros and cons?----------------------- *does it mean: the older you are, the more paranoid you become?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Little boy !!!!
I met a little boy on the road today. He must not have been older
than 10 years of age. He was selling one of those smiley face
plasticine things that change shape when you push or pull at them. I
asked him how much he was charging and he said Rs. 25. I gave him Rs.
30 and as I was friction-ing up my bike he tapped saying 'your
change'. I told him 'you can keep it' [rakh lo] and he replied (rather
offended) 'I do not take money' [mein paisay nahi leta]. I watched him
walk away tall and upright. I felt shallow within. I am five ruppees
richer but much poorer than that little boy on the road. I hope his
principles survive through time and age.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thanks a lot !!!!
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I
have decided to post something I am thankful for everyday to my friend from whom i received this gift couple of days back. (I know this
is clique, but hey I want to be thankful! :)
I would like to express a BIG Thanks for this Chetan's love chapter,along with host of other small booklets of letter and signed by her for the acknowledgement,
Over at every page, Chetan has written that he is passionate about comprising people to
ensure they realise and release their true and full potential of love. This
gesture goes on to prove that he lives his passion for his beloved.
This book is a valuable addition to my collection and I am sure
to pick up some very valuable insights. I have been
able to build relationships with some of the
eminent thinkers. It can’t get better than this.
Thanks, and I look forward to reading more of those
thoughtful and provocative lists of Chetan's.
I simply love this exquisite Parker Vector from her... thanks for your
kind thoughts and well-wishes... Off course Pen is mightier than mouth...just so sweet, and with lots of blessings
from everyone on it makes.
Its one of my favo pen.
THANK YOU:
Two small words to convey the infinite feeling in my heart.
Two small words to convey the infinite feeling in my heart.
Back to End...
For those who regularly check my blog... I am back. Been busy with my scheduled interview, and other stuff. Have missed the littlest and will soon pop in
for a visit, but not now, as i had an interview again. I have a few
posts ready for my blog, and hopefully today, I will post them.
Cheers :)
Cheers :)
Monday, November 16, 2009
reGret !!!
One of these days, life is really going to make sense for me.
i am not going to feel regret or remorse for stupid mistakes i have made.
dumb decisions that i regret every morning of my life.
one of these days, i will be rewarded for dealing with my actions.
God knows what my heart has been through.
i don't need anyone else to know. HE knows. although i believe everything happens for a reason, i forget that sometimes. i HATE having regrets! however, if it was not for my "mistakes," i probably would not have gotten close to certain people in my life or even met certain people or even...experienced some of the great things that have happened to me. for every action there is a reaction. for every decision, there is a consequence. i can't keep regretting....with every thing i do.
i know that i have learned many lessons. i have especially learned not to take those you love for granted...or those who have loved me unconditionally. i can only hope that God sees that i have learned these lessons and therefore will grant me with peace and serenity in my life.Oh oops !! forget to mention, i am expecting gift from one of my best friend,my heart is pouncing n craving to see that.....so plz lemme check out my gift first and i'll get back to you soon.
i am not going to feel regret or remorse for stupid mistakes i have made.
dumb decisions that i regret every morning of my life.
one of these days, i will be rewarded for dealing with my actions.
God knows what my heart has been through.
i don't need anyone else to know. HE knows. although i believe everything happens for a reason, i forget that sometimes. i HATE having regrets! however, if it was not for my "mistakes," i probably would not have gotten close to certain people in my life or even met certain people or even...experienced some of the great things that have happened to me. for every action there is a reaction. for every decision, there is a consequence. i can't keep regretting....with every thing i do.
i know that i have learned many lessons. i have especially learned not to take those you love for granted...or those who have loved me unconditionally. i can only hope that God sees that i have learned these lessons and therefore will grant me with peace and serenity in my life.Oh oops !! forget to mention, i am expecting gift from one of my best friend,my heart is pouncing n craving to see that.....so plz lemme check out my gift first and i'll get back to you soon.
cheers !!!!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Confession..
i agree with a friend of mine..i guess we are blind..
missing the good stuff and chasing more of the selfishness..
i have to confess, i haven't been a good person lately..
the old character has been altered, withered away..
and honestly..i have become comfortable with the new ones that have come to stay..
have i become a liability to some people?
i can only apologize to all that i have hurt..wether it is too late or not..
i'll let them decide..
i can't promise a bright future or a sunny day tomorrow..
i can only say, i am trying to fix things inside before i plan to fix others..
because the damage inside will eventually rise and drown me..
and for that i rather drown alone then tagging all the rest with me..
i hope people understand what im potraying..
it's not selfishness..it's self destruction for the sake of others..
missing the good stuff and chasing more of the selfishness..
i have to confess, i haven't been a good person lately..
the old character has been altered, withered away..
and honestly..i have become comfortable with the new ones that have come to stay..
have i become a liability to some people?
i can only apologize to all that i have hurt..wether it is too late or not..
i'll let them decide..
i can't promise a bright future or a sunny day tomorrow..
i can only say, i am trying to fix things inside before i plan to fix others..
because the damage inside will eventually rise and drown me..
and for that i rather drown alone then tagging all the rest with me..
i hope people understand what im potraying..
it's not selfishness..it's self destruction for the sake of others..
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tell me............
Hey my buddy Friends,
Today i gotta freaked out idea to know about me from you people,so,plz dont hesitate of anything.
Have you ever needed to get something off your chest about me??? Well heres your chance!!! The best place because i wont feel bad of it!!!Jus puke it out!!! SHARE !!!! Even if it is a tiny witto one, SPILL YOUR BEENZZ!!!!! Ready??? Set??? GOOOooo....!!!!
Post is must from all of you guys.....
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
November Rains
Have you ever been in a position where..before you blog, the whole day you knew what you were going to write about..
All the words are there and you've construct the perfect sentences ever..and then when your fingers hit the keyboard...
All ideas are gone..the words hide into the deep back of your mind and you are trying very hard to lure it out from the back closet..
And i dislike it when, what i really wanted to put out tonight, is not well written to be understand by people..
Even though i woke up late coz of heavy november rain since last night,
Today someone gave me the pen and paper and asked me to write a love letter for his beloved with given instructions and a cuppa of Tea as a reward, when all i really wanted to do was to relax and enjoy myself or maybe join in with November Rain...
Oh well, there is always something interesting in life for each day.. and to add cherry on top of the ice cream..
But it was real fun to write for him.
where..it involves kilos of Kisses n hugs...interesting that these ingredient are actually good to wax up your brain.. (don't you just love 'em)..
Despite all the mess at our nest and the hard cleaning after the sweet november rain..I could actually said i had fun..
There is always something missing but eventually we'll deal with it...
Sooner or later, you'll get use to the pain..then before you know it, you'll be numb..and nothing could surprise you or hurt you anymore..
and just for today..i wanna remember that i'm able to say that i was happy and content..
To all my friends... Thanks for the memories!
Monday, November 9, 2009
little good things in my life.........
It is inevitable for things which upset us to occur in our lives, but it depends on what perspective we opt to look at that particular occurrence. As for me, I wouldn't put a magnifying glass above a depressing, exasperating or even obsessing matter which will only cause things to get worse at the end of the day. It's just so not worth it.
It would be much better to cherish every little good things in my life. For instance, instead of grumbling on how tedious is my days going to be without any big plans ahead, I chose to enjoy every single day to the fullest. Just imagine how nice would it be to have as much sleep as I like without the irritating alarm tone waking me up in the midst of a sweet dream. And I could stay up as late as I like without being telling-off. Cheers!
And try imagining being tormented by the blazing hot sun. Instead of nagging about the weather, why don't just simply get myself a refreshing cuppa of tea and sutta and chill myself down? All I need is just a simple act to lift up my spirit again! Cheers!
And there are so much more little good things in my life that is worth being cherished... Writing an inspiring blog about my fellow mates voraciously and immerse myself in the fantasy which i used to enjoy with them,so i am trying to delve in my past, listening to much loved Radio Mirchi and sing all my heart out loud "Radio mirchi sunne wale alwayz khush", indulge myself in the aroma of a nice hot cup of tea in a breezy weather and so much more! To every little good things in my life, Cheers!
"Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give".. NORMAN MACEWAN
Yes, I have to learn to cherish every little good things in my life, no matter how mere a trifle it is. I should learn not to take things for granted and to seek for contentment in everything I'm pursuing. Till then. :)
"Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give".. NORMAN MACEWAN
Yes, I have to learn to cherish every little good things in my life, no matter how mere a trifle it is. I should learn not to take things for granted and to seek for contentment in everything I'm pursuing. Till then. :)
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Dont Keep Secrets Away!!!!!
Many things happened in the past few days yet I didn't update my blog. Besides the apparent reason-which is also the best reason-that I'm being such a slacker, I think I'm thoughtless. I don't have the slightest idea about what the heck is happening and was tortured by the thirst to know the truth. I wanted to know what happened so eagerly but everyone is being so secretive. Ahem, don't I have the right to know what the heck is happening when this complication is involving me? But I have to keep nagging those who is uninvolved to get to know the truth instead, but it still turn out to be a failed attempt, durhxx~
For your information, curiousity kills, okay? So don't play fishing game with me. Tell it straightforward or don't mention it at all..
Don't even let me know the existence of this little secret which I'm unaware of because I'll be dying to know... he-he~
Besides, it doesn't really matter to me anymore, really, I swear... But all I want is a clearer picture of what is happening all these while. Whatever which leads to these heaps of misconceptions and complications. I won't blame anyone anymore but I wish to apologize to the one that I might have misconceived previously.
And I would also like to apologize for that I have acted irresponsibly today.. or even the past 2 days.. I know I should have involve myself in the coordination of our so-called meeting today to ensure the smooth flow of the whole head-aching day.. I'm sorry, sincerely..
Till then, bye~
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Random!!!
Things are getting very strange, very quickly.
My thoughts and my life are like a rope, slipping through my fingers and I can’t grip it, I can’t stop it slipping away, I can’t hold it still.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
My pulse is…very fast. I can feel it everywhere and, like everything else, my heartbeat feels like it’s running away from me, like I can’t catch up. I feel…tingly, like halfway between an itch and a shiver, and I can’t keep still.
I’ve been walking empty streets at night. I’m not scared of the dark, I’m not scared of the occasional people I see. I’m not scared that nobody knows where I am. I’m scared of being in my room, trapped, caged.
I can’t shut my brain up but I can’t think properly either. Everything is too fast, too jumbled. I start a thought and immediately another one cuts in, and it’s connected but not really, and I can’t keep up, I don’t even understand my own thoughts anymore. Half way through a thought, I will get stuck on a word. And that word will just repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, countless times until I manage to break free of it, only then I can’t remember what the rest of the thought was and I get stuck and confused and then more thoughts come and they start repeating too, and there’s still the faint repetition of previous thoughts echoing around my head and it doesn’t make sense and if I could just think for a moment then perhaps I could work out what is wrong or find a way to cope with it, but of course, the problem is that I can’t just think for a moment.
And I don’t know what my mood is because I don’t really feel anything apart from this confusion and panic and compulsion to move, to walk, to be somewhere else. And when, occasionally, briefly, I slow down for a moment I suppose I feel alright, quite good, making plans for the future and oh, God, I think I sent emails to about 5 companies earlier asking about their vacancies and I don’t know why because I don’t even know if I’m going to apply, I don’t even know if I’ll crack this interview or if I will even be alive by next year because a person can’t live so completely on edge as I am now; something will have to give, I can’t keep this up, can I? Surely this can’t carry on?
I try to distract myself. But I can’t read my favo book. I read a sentence or two and then I’m so completely distracted that I give up, I open a new novel but the same thing happens again, and my room is just scattered with books and magazines that I haven’t been able to get past the first page of. And I’m in a cafe now, but I can’t concentrate on listening to music or watching things because it’s the exact same problem, and I can’t concentrate on anything and when something does get through to me, it gets stuck in my head, repeating over and over until it loses whatever meaning it had.
Last night there were flies in my room. All over the walls and the ceiling above my bed. I was frightened, which is stupid, because who’s scared of flies? But I didn’t know how they’d got in and obviously I couldn’t go to bed when they were there, and I spent so long swatting at them on my walls, but when I hit them it was like they’d disappeared, I couldn’t see them anymore, and then I’d look back to where they were and they were there again, or they weren’t there but there was a mark on my wall, and I kept wondering if that was what it was all along…there are little marks on the walls and ceiling, just wear and tear and not-so-stellar paintwork, but why would I mistake them for flies? I just sat there and watched them for a while, and it was like they were dancing, like their movements formed a code, like bees do, and I didn’t want to kill them but I couldn’t have them there and I kept hitting every bit of wall I could reach and then I got tired and I slept for a while and when I woke up they were gone and I completely panicked and couldn’t stop thinking what if they flew into my mouth while I was asleep? and I nearly threw up and I had to get out, and I walked around and around, all over and I can’t get rid of this nervous, agitated energy and I am scared of flies but not of strangers or darkness or deserted alleyways.So people, who consider me that i'm a GEEK, Probably they are right.
It’s just because I’m tired, I think. Small things become huge. Everything becomes confusing.
I know that this is strange. I know that I am making little sense. I know I should have spent today doing work for my job rather than walking around randomly, so quick I was almost running, trying to tire myself out or stop this continuous need to move.
I don’t really know what’s happening. It’s difficult to think about it, difficult to think about anything.
I’m trying to be calm, but I’m fighting a losing battle.
I have to go now. I’m in a cyber cafe and the only other person here is a guy who keeps breathing out really loudly though his nose and if I have to listen to it much longer I’ll probably say something bitchy or punch him in the face or something. Also, it’s kind of almost midnight so I should probably be going anyway. I have to get up in the morning.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Why is it & Why do i ?
why is it that when you really don't think you can handle one more thing, that invariably someone walks up to you needing something?
why is it that you can spend your whole life wanting something, then when you get it, you wonder what the big deal was, and want nothing more than to go back to the way things were?
why do i spend so much time wishing for tomorrow when i am not doing all i can today?
why do i put off those things that i really need to do, that will enhance the tomorrows that i wish for?
why do i think that getting the questions that roam around inside my head out will actually free me of them?
Do You Know????
You know that tiny, nagging feeling that you get when something isn't exactly right? and try as you might, you cannot name the unrightness that you're feeling... it is hiding around some corner just beyond reach of your brain. finally, this morning i have been able to put a name to what has been haunting me.
My life is filled with people. those i acquaint with, the ones i see at around on sunday, my small group on monday night, the Kohinoor or at Cafe Coffee day, and everywhere in between. people of all walks of life with some of the most amazing stories you could imagine. some have faced loss that would have crippled someone else. some looking into the face of an illness or huge life obstacle, but who have still maintained the love and grace that would cause an outsider to believe nothing could be wrong in their lives.
fascinating, amazing people.
and yet, what i have noticed lately is a growing trend that when two or more people are talking, the most animated discussion tends to be about television, movies or some kind of celebrity faux pas. Our most passionate discussions tend to be about people who don't exist...(good politician) or who don't exist in our world.
the most disturbing part of this trend, to me, is that it is equally the same everywhere, from in line at Majestic Restaurant, to the friend at Jasminium, to talk in the foyer after/before worship services. The question of the day seems to have migrated from, 'how are you?' to 'what did you watch?' BIG BOSS - The nonsensical reality show.
People are more than they-- or we-- watch on TV.
when our most passionate and animated conversations happen about Big Boss, Nach baliye or KSBBT, what is left for the actual people standing before us? if we use up our best brain power, our best social graces, our best words of praise for what is on a screen, what do we have to offer those who need us to grieve or rejoice or laugh with them? the real people.
what is there left when all our emotions are wasted on what doesn't really exist?
* * * * *
so, my friends, i'll ask you as i'm asking myself:
who are the most important people in your life?
do they know it?
does the rest of the world know it?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
how F***ed Up??
To the two or so people who still read this: Yes, I will be posting more soon. The last few days have been very hard on me, despite the fact that I have no job with penniless pocket - in fact, I'm happiest when I'm in this situation.Still there is many punch to knock down-but i am tired and sick of it. How fucked up is that?
Monday, October 26, 2009
People, watch your words..
Have you ever felt embarrassed in real life? I am quite sure you have. At least once in front of your friends, your parents, siblings, teachers, even strangers! So how does it feel? As you grow older, it sure gives you a reason to look back and smile. Memories have its own way of making people laugh and cry!
Have you ever felt ashamed, insulted and embarrassed at the same moment. Ask me how it feels! Suddenly you forget to speak, your mind goes blank, you curse your very own existence! Of course yes, you are hurt! Hurt by your own friend. How long could you fake a smile? Its better to let go your emotions.. talk,cry,yell or write. I prefer to write! It surely helps you come over your frustration.
I am hurt! Hurt 'cos of my words. Never in my wildest dream did I imagine that my words would haunt me after months or may be an year, I am not sure. I respect politicians. Imagine how much care should they take while choosing their words. Their words could anytime fight them back! I am not a politician. I dint watch my mouth! So what? Here I am, scribbling scattered letters, finding my way out of this problem. Did I loose a friend? I sure lost her respect, the trust she had in me, maybe more! Maybe there is a way out. I am sure there would be. But who would find it out? A puzzled look, unanswered questions and a fake smile is all I have! How would I defend myself? Would I ever get her back?
People, watch your words.. you never know which one would take away a friend!!!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
What's my Rasheee!!
I hope you all have a lovely day, too! As you can clearly see what my astrologer suggest below,
Gosh!!!! such a big letter i found in my mailbox today morning from my Astrologer.i haven't gone through entire page but highlighted line seems better, I am in for a very fun and laughter interesting next few days. Don't be jealous...send your address and I will share the jam. Feel free to leave any tips to help the bruising heal quicker. Let me know ....
What's my Rasheeee!! Hello Rahmat, I am really very impatient to announce to you everything that I have discovered about you while doing your personal astrological study, using all the personal details you sent me on the 10 October 2009. As a matter of fact I wanted to get back to you so quickly because I have some very good and very important news to announce to you. I have discovered that not only you are soon to live through an event of great astrological importance but also that you were going to blessed with a period of chance and opportunities. Even though we are now in a time of year that is very active astrologically with a great number of influential planetary movements because of the current Equinox, the movements in your personal configuration are set to be even more intense than this and you will be part of a very important period which I could even qualify as exceptionnal and very rare. There will be some very significant repercussions on your life. Let me tell you a little more about myself. I am passionate about my activity and I am lucky enough to be gifted with a natural talent which I have cultivated and I have now being working professionally for a number of years. I have consulted for many people throughout the world, may of whom are rather well known, and it is in fact because of this that I was in Europe for a few days recently - to participate in and host a number of conferences. I am telling you this now because I think I am lucky enough to have a range of valuable skills at my command and a great deal of experience and so I am qualified to tell you when I feel such a powerful jolt (as I felt for you Rahmat) when consulting an individual's details for the first time. I only can explain it by the creation of a strong connection between us when we first entered into contact. This bond has an enormous advantage for me as I am able to discern exactly what you are feeling at this time. Then I can compare and contrast this very personal information to your astrological configuration. Rahmat, I am now going to tell you what I have discovered about you. What I am now going to tell you is very important and of course I have checked and double-checked everything before telling you, and as a matter of fact I work in a cabinet with several other astrologers and I asked a few of them to check and confirm what I am about to tell you. So here is what is is all about: a very important Transit period is on the way for you and you are perfectly positioned to get the very best out of the opportunities it is set to bring. Indeed, in a very short time you will find yourself in the glare of several powerful astrological influences, I told you that this period is generally an intense astrological period but for you it will be different because the Transit which you will be living through will be a very powerful time with very decisive consequences in your life. As a matter of fact, these influences will place you in a rare astrological Transit which will not occur again in your skies before a very long time. This is a period of 30 days during which a great number of opportunities are going to be offered to you. These opportunities are going to have a great impact on your life and here is what comes out of my analysis: First of all I want to tell you that I am aware that you have lived through some difficult moments in the past and that you still have the impression that these difficulties are going to last for a long time to come. You have come accross failures, stumbling blocks and obstacles and you have had to constantly revise your plans, ask yourself difficult questions and you have ended up doubting yourself and your abilities. I can see all this very clearly in your astral configuration and it is due to the unfavorable position of a number of major planets over the past few months (for example Saturn has been going through a transit which has had a very negative affect on your character). Well Rahmat, today I have some excellent news for you because this period of 30 will mark a very important turning point for you and this Transit will have a very positive impact on your financial and professional life. You are going to have a job-offer which will correspond perfectly to your expectations and ambitions. This is a major event in your life, you will feel far more satisfied than you do at the moment and you will find that your professional and financial situation will be radically different. This is going to be a very active time for you on many different levels but this is even more true for your love-life. You are going to be very surprised Rahmat because you are going to have some great news which is set to have a lasting impact on your life. This is all about an encounter, or even a date, which will be just the beginning of a passionate relationship. You don't know this person yet but the encounter is certainly set to take place over this period of 30 days. You can't miss out on this encounter because this person could well be your soul-mate and by meeting this person you will reach a new and exciting turning point in your life. Rahmat, I must insist on the fact that this Transit is going to have an enormous influence and a great importance in your life.You need to be ready to seize all of the opportunities which are going to be open to you during this period as it represents a real chance in your life. For this, of course you need to have much more complementary information about many points, but let's proceed step-by-step because I think it is first indispensable to note that you will soon be living through a very important event in your life and then grasp all the necessary details about this event (where, how, what, when, with who...). This is why I have put a page online especially for you, Rahmat, where you can ask me to research this information. http://aboutastro.com/j.php?p=request.cgi&r=2a&c=bw7h0&f=enuzng
However before you go to this page I invite you to continue reading this first reading as I have some more important information to tell you about. Firstly you may be wondering at this point how I can be so passionate about your particular case. Well let me explain a little more about what I felt about you when we first entered into contact and how this has allowed me to know you even better,Rahmat. You are becoming aware of a great deal of new things at the moment and you know that you are living through a period in your life which is particularly interesting. You are currently asking yourself a great deal of questions and you are thinking about the true goals in your life and what your real objectives are. As far as your character is concerned I know that you love the outdoors, you do not like to make decisions too far ahead and at times you can bit a bit stubborn in getting what you want. You are aware that you have been given certain talents... very special talents, unique only to you. You have a great deal of latent or unrealized potential. you are sometimes frustrated with the fact that others don't always recognize this or appreciate what you could offer but this is because you still did not had the time to show them but one day this day will come and you know it. I am getting a powerful impression now... having to do with powers of intuition. You have what might be described almost as a sixth sense, able to sense things are about to happen. I am getting the distinct sense that you are street smart and you value this ability much more than the classroom smarts that others have. Your unique perspective in life, has been forged from the school of hard knocks and you know deep down inside that you are better for having gone through what you have endured. You are a person with fresh and innovative ideas and are not willing to settle for what others tell you. You have to see things for yourself and if you don't like what you see, you will change it. I can see travel in your future, either because you love someone or either because you need this person. As far as others are concerned, although you don't always admit this, deep down inside you need the respect and admiration of others and this is even more true at the moment, a period during which you are feeling a great deal of doubts and uncertainity particularly on the level of your love life. In this aspect of your life you would like to make the correct decisions and above all find the right person for you. Concerning this, I feel a certain hesitation and confusion within you and it is these feeling that prevent you from being completely happy and content. Luckily the news I have to annouce to you in this email is going to help you understand the coming changes. Lets get back to this period Rahmat as I should warn you about one particular point. If you do not act in a very decisive manner concerning this period then it is extremely likely that all of these important opportunities will simply pass you by. I have often seen people miss out on key moments in their life simply because they don't know what they should do and when they should act and this is how I want to help you. I must remind you that this Transit is a very rare event which will not come around again for a very long time to come and it will allow you to get out of the jobless situation you find yourself in at the moment and meet someone who is going to change your life. To achieve this it is important that you find yourself in the right place and at the right time to take the right decisions and this is what I want to help you to do. So you need to remember that if you do nothing there is a big chance that you will miss out on the full impact of the period, and I also want to tell you that only a professional astrologer can read your Skies correctly to bring you the information you truly need concerning your Transit of 30 days. Rahmat, you need precise and deep knowledge of all of the implications of this Transit in order to get the very best out of it's chances and opportunities. Rahmat, I warn you in this way because the stakes concerning this period are too high. You need a professional to help you through this vitally important time in your life. This Transit is too significant and too important not to try and get all chances over on your side. I must mention that I am not the only professional who could help you. You may of course consult with someone a little closer to your home or with an astrologer you are already familiar with. This person should be able to help you in exactly the same manner as I would be able to. Of course as far as I am concerned I am also 100% ready to help you Rahmat. I have a wealth of important and exciting information to share with and I can give you full details on the following points: More precisely, In terms of your professional career I will tell you: - why there have been certain stumbling blocks in your past and how this is now going to change - when this job proposition will occur - who is going to make it - what this new job is - how you can be sure not to miss out on it - how it will change in the future - how this will change your life financially - what you can expect from your job in the average to long term I will also let you know what will be the impact of this transit on your love life: - why this period will be so important for you as far as your love-life is concerned - when this encounter will take place - where you will meet - how the date will take place - how you can recognise the right person - how you can seduce this individual and start building something good together - what this person will be like - if this is really the love of your life - what kind of future you can expect together Here is again the web page where you can request my help, Rahmat. As soon as I receive your confirmation that you want me to work on your reading I can get straight to work on your complete analysis. On this same page I have also given you a link to some testimonials from other customers that I have also helped through my astrology. Here is the link: http://aboutastro.com/j.php?p=request.cgi&r=2a&c=bw7h0&f=enuzng
Have a good day and speak to you soon, Your friend and astrologer, Jenna Thanx for readin her crap about me..Hope you people did not enjoyed or intrested in her rashii... Cheers
What's my Rasheeee!! Hello Rahmat, I am really very impatient to announce to you everything that I have discovered about you while doing your personal astrological study, using all the personal details you sent me on the 10 October 2009. As a matter of fact I wanted to get back to you so quickly because I have some very good and very important news to announce to you. I have discovered that not only you are soon to live through an event of great astrological importance but also that you were going to blessed with a period of chance and opportunities. Even though we are now in a time of year that is very active astrologically with a great number of influential planetary movements because of the current Equinox, the movements in your personal configuration are set to be even more intense than this and you will be part of a very important period which I could even qualify as exceptionnal and very rare. There will be some very significant repercussions on your life. Let me tell you a little more about myself. I am passionate about my activity and I am lucky enough to be gifted with a natural talent which I have cultivated and I have now being working professionally for a number of years. I have consulted for many people throughout the world, may of whom are rather well known, and it is in fact because of this that I was in Europe for a few days recently - to participate in and host a number of conferences. I am telling you this now because I think I am lucky enough to have a range of valuable skills at my command and a great deal of experience and so I am qualified to tell you when I feel such a powerful jolt (as I felt for you Rahmat) when consulting an individual's details for the first time. I only can explain it by the creation of a strong connection between us when we first entered into contact. This bond has an enormous advantage for me as I am able to discern exactly what you are feeling at this time. Then I can compare and contrast this very personal information to your astrological configuration. Rahmat, I am now going to tell you what I have discovered about you. What I am now going to tell you is very important and of course I have checked and double-checked everything before telling you, and as a matter of fact I work in a cabinet with several other astrologers and I asked a few of them to check and confirm what I am about to tell you. So here is what is is all about: a very important Transit period is on the way for you and you are perfectly positioned to get the very best out of the opportunities it is set to bring. Indeed, in a very short time you will find yourself in the glare of several powerful astrological influences, I told you that this period is generally an intense astrological period but for you it will be different because the Transit which you will be living through will be a very powerful time with very decisive consequences in your life. As a matter of fact, these influences will place you in a rare astrological Transit which will not occur again in your skies before a very long time. This is a period of 30 days during which a great number of opportunities are going to be offered to you. These opportunities are going to have a great impact on your life and here is what comes out of my analysis: First of all I want to tell you that I am aware that you have lived through some difficult moments in the past and that you still have the impression that these difficulties are going to last for a long time to come. You have come accross failures, stumbling blocks and obstacles and you have had to constantly revise your plans, ask yourself difficult questions and you have ended up doubting yourself and your abilities. I can see all this very clearly in your astral configuration and it is due to the unfavorable position of a number of major planets over the past few months (for example Saturn has been going through a transit which has had a very negative affect on your character). Well Rahmat, today I have some excellent news for you because this period of 30 will mark a very important turning point for you and this Transit will have a very positive impact on your financial and professional life. You are going to have a job-offer which will correspond perfectly to your expectations and ambitions. This is a major event in your life, you will feel far more satisfied than you do at the moment and you will find that your professional and financial situation will be radically different. This is going to be a very active time for you on many different levels but this is even more true for your love-life. You are going to be very surprised Rahmat because you are going to have some great news which is set to have a lasting impact on your life. This is all about an encounter, or even a date, which will be just the beginning of a passionate relationship. You don't know this person yet but the encounter is certainly set to take place over this period of 30 days. You can't miss out on this encounter because this person could well be your soul-mate and by meeting this person you will reach a new and exciting turning point in your life. Rahmat, I must insist on the fact that this Transit is going to have an enormous influence and a great importance in your life.You need to be ready to seize all of the opportunities which are going to be open to you during this period as it represents a real chance in your life. For this, of course you need to have much more complementary information about many points, but let's proceed step-by-step because I think it is first indispensable to note that you will soon be living through a very important event in your life and then grasp all the necessary details about this event (where, how, what, when, with who...). This is why I have put a page online especially for you, Rahmat, where you can ask me to research this information. http://aboutastro.com/j.php?p=request.cgi&r=2a&c=bw7h0&f=enuzng
However before you go to this page I invite you to continue reading this first reading as I have some more important information to tell you about. Firstly you may be wondering at this point how I can be so passionate about your particular case. Well let me explain a little more about what I felt about you when we first entered into contact and how this has allowed me to know you even better,Rahmat. You are becoming aware of a great deal of new things at the moment and you know that you are living through a period in your life which is particularly interesting. You are currently asking yourself a great deal of questions and you are thinking about the true goals in your life and what your real objectives are. As far as your character is concerned I know that you love the outdoors, you do not like to make decisions too far ahead and at times you can bit a bit stubborn in getting what you want. You are aware that you have been given certain talents... very special talents, unique only to you. You have a great deal of latent or unrealized potential. you are sometimes frustrated with the fact that others don't always recognize this or appreciate what you could offer but this is because you still did not had the time to show them but one day this day will come and you know it. I am getting a powerful impression now... having to do with powers of intuition. You have what might be described almost as a sixth sense, able to sense things are about to happen. I am getting the distinct sense that you are street smart and you value this ability much more than the classroom smarts that others have. Your unique perspective in life, has been forged from the school of hard knocks and you know deep down inside that you are better for having gone through what you have endured. You are a person with fresh and innovative ideas and are not willing to settle for what others tell you. You have to see things for yourself and if you don't like what you see, you will change it. I can see travel in your future, either because you love someone or either because you need this person. As far as others are concerned, although you don't always admit this, deep down inside you need the respect and admiration of others and this is even more true at the moment, a period during which you are feeling a great deal of doubts and uncertainity particularly on the level of your love life. In this aspect of your life you would like to make the correct decisions and above all find the right person for you. Concerning this, I feel a certain hesitation and confusion within you and it is these feeling that prevent you from being completely happy and content. Luckily the news I have to annouce to you in this email is going to help you understand the coming changes. Lets get back to this period Rahmat as I should warn you about one particular point. If you do not act in a very decisive manner concerning this period then it is extremely likely that all of these important opportunities will simply pass you by. I have often seen people miss out on key moments in their life simply because they don't know what they should do and when they should act and this is how I want to help you. I must remind you that this Transit is a very rare event which will not come around again for a very long time to come and it will allow you to get out of the jobless situation you find yourself in at the moment and meet someone who is going to change your life. To achieve this it is important that you find yourself in the right place and at the right time to take the right decisions and this is what I want to help you to do. So you need to remember that if you do nothing there is a big chance that you will miss out on the full impact of the period, and I also want to tell you that only a professional astrologer can read your Skies correctly to bring you the information you truly need concerning your Transit of 30 days. Rahmat, you need precise and deep knowledge of all of the implications of this Transit in order to get the very best out of it's chances and opportunities. Rahmat, I warn you in this way because the stakes concerning this period are too high. You need a professional to help you through this vitally important time in your life. This Transit is too significant and too important not to try and get all chances over on your side. I must mention that I am not the only professional who could help you. You may of course consult with someone a little closer to your home or with an astrologer you are already familiar with. This person should be able to help you in exactly the same manner as I would be able to. Of course as far as I am concerned I am also 100% ready to help you Rahmat. I have a wealth of important and exciting information to share with and I can give you full details on the following points: More precisely, In terms of your professional career I will tell you: - why there have been certain stumbling blocks in your past and how this is now going to change - when this job proposition will occur - who is going to make it - what this new job is - how you can be sure not to miss out on it - how it will change in the future - how this will change your life financially - what you can expect from your job in the average to long term I will also let you know what will be the impact of this transit on your love life: - why this period will be so important for you as far as your love-life is concerned - when this encounter will take place - where you will meet - how the date will take place - how you can recognise the right person - how you can seduce this individual and start building something good together - what this person will be like - if this is really the love of your life - what kind of future you can expect together Here is again the web page where you can request my help, Rahmat. As soon as I receive your confirmation that you want me to work on your reading I can get straight to work on your complete analysis. On this same page I have also given you a link to some testimonials from other customers that I have also helped through my astrology. Here is the link: http://aboutastro.com/j.php?p=request.cgi&r=2a&c=bw7h0&f=enuzng
Have a good day and speak to you soon, Your friend and astrologer, Jenna Thanx for readin her crap about me..Hope you people did not enjoyed or intrested in her rashii... Cheers
Monday, October 19, 2009
Gettin on to my NERVE!!!!!!
There have been moments when my friends got on my nerves, causing serious damage. Or maybe not so serious because my nerves have become tougher (much tougher) than they used to be.
It's not about the times when you did the unexpected. That shocked me, but I could live with it. To be honest, the unexpected makes our lives more interesting. More risky, maybe, but interesting as well. Isn't it just too nice to know that something bad has almost happened - but DIDN'T?
It isn't about those small things that didn't work out as they were supposed to. Really, I wouldn't mind. I can forget about the unimportant and enjoy the beauty of my life with them.
It is about letting me down only too often!
Why do I have to call my friends (thank God for my good friends!) to do what you were supposed to? Why do I have to live with someone so terribly unreliable?
I could deal with my other friends quite well, though. Still can, but one of them is no longer that. And the way he/she is, I must have been doing something right. Where did I go wrong with you???
I know, I know. I should have thought things through much better than I did. Sorry. I should have thought twice (ten times!) if I really wanted you. Sorry sorry.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Friend....u've jus' made my day!!!
There is a description said, a good friend is a friend who were there with you alwayz, when you are in sad and happy time. A true friend will be there where even you need. A true friend never leaves you alone in you sad time. A true friend never lead you to the darkness. A true friend always know when to make you happy or to comfort you. A true friend will be there to fill you boring day, to make your day a "Day".
It's 2:30 p.m. There is nothing fun happened today but a sms pinged that make my day. It was from my best friend texting me to know,how i am?.You know what, u've just made my day.
Thanx.....
Sunday, October 11, 2009
i'm Tired!!!!
i' m Tired!!!!
Oh i'm sorry ,i got up late today,and my days went wrong, you know when shit happens you just tough it out saying it will soon get better? or do you ever think that, this will pass.. don't let your emotions get in the way? i'm tired. i'm tired of all this crap that keeps going wrong. my life is in a constant flow of mistakes, and what if's.... why does life have to be so fuckin hard? pardon for my language, but i'm pissed. i'm pissed at the world, i'm pissed at society. Why does God give then take away? don't i deserve better? don't i deserve more? i know that sounds selfish and prideful, but really. i've done everything expected of me and more. why do i always get screwed? can't i atleast have something to account for? some kind of happiness? no... life doesn't freakin work that way. all my life i've been giving, and never taking, and when something good happens to me, it get's freakin snatched out of my hands. anyone i ever care about, i can never have. every passion that floods and overwhelms my soul, gets destroyed. its always been that way.. now i'm fucked. i don't even care anymore. i'm giving up. let the world screw me over and see if i give a damn. i'm tired of trying to please others, i can't even please myself. nothing in life is worth this. this building of dreams and passions for someone to steal from you. shit happens. and i'm done with caring...
Life..Life... Life!!!!!!!!
Life. Life. Life. I feel like I always start my blogs with that word. Maybe I don't. I like to, though, cause life is interesting but had many ups n downs. And I blog about my life, so I might as well.
It's been interesting the past couple days. I have never realized just how thirsty, hungry, and desperate I am to talk to God. I want more of a relationship. I want dreams, visions, Heaven and overall a job.
I don't know what the future holds. But I'm not going to worry about it. Life will take it's course.
I've gotten to hang out with my best friend Saad ,a time or two within the past couple of days. It's been great to finally hang out with them, and separate from each other too. That's probably a good thing. Saad makes me proud. The best friend does, too.
God is good. There isn't much more that I can say. I trust His judgment and leadership even when I don't understand it or agree with it. I just want Him to have His way in me, and to cause me to grow.
You guys mean more to me than you probably will ever know or understand. Your time spent reading my ramblings is much appreciated.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Dealing With Frustrations
Dealing With Frustrations.....
I handled some boring discussion today and I am pretty frustrated with my self because I cannot find a way to make everything flow smoothly. I cannot distinguish if the people are listening or just giving me a blank confused stare. I tried to make a connection but nothing just works.Today I had a taste of those frustrations idiots like me usually have. It is hard but I know I can use these experiences in the future.
Totally Wasted
Totally Wasted!!!!!!!
Can do nothing, I don't fit, I can't think, I can't move freely, I am confused, I am drained, I am so wasted. I don't know what is wrong with me since this week started. Everything is just turning into nothing.
Just friends!!!!!!!Relax
Just friends!!!!!!!Relax
I'm so torn. I feel that I've truly lost a friendship that was near and dear to me for the last seven years. Most of my friends have come and gone, used and abused our friendship, however my friend Bubbly has always been there for me. And I've been there for her as well. We've gone through a lot together. But always as friends. Nothing more. We went to jaipur, hung out, and played together that bottle game. I was there for her when she was not with me, when her best friend left him for years ago, and now when she became a top notch architect.
I want to be so happy for her, if only she seemed happy. She's been wanting this since we were freshmen in college, talking about the big day she was going for the awards ceremony for NIASA thats what we both dreamt off. When I asked her if she's nervous or excited, his response is "I'm just ready." Not the response I would expect or hope from her.
Her best friend and i had a fight since then i didnt met him. He feels threatened by me because someone that was once a friend of his, that know me either, said to watch his back. I'm in a happy, healthy, long-term relationship with this woman that I'm with and that I love. She refuses to meet me, but hello, if you met me you would know that it's not like that, I'm actually a really good, friendly person and I just want my friend to be happy.
Consider me one of the gals. She's no longer allowed to hang out with me and our conversations have become a rarity. I miss my friend.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I miss them. I miss them bad...
I miss them. I miss them bad........
I have had some really wonderful people for friends in the short span of my life. With each passing day I have grown fonder of them. They have been a great influence in my life and I can't deny that. Over last few months though, I seemed to have run out of these creatures called friends.
All are chasing their dreams and the chase has lead them to distant places. Distant quite literally and also otherwise. I know priorities in life change with time. I understand that. But then I miss them. I miss them bad.
All of a sudden I have to no one ring and invite home for a folks-outta-town-so-lets-party night. Of course, that's not the only thing I miss. I am uncomfortable with the idea of thinking of a 'right' time to call them, lest you disturb their spouses! Whatever happened to call a friend to chat about an ugly lizard on the wall? Or the plain, lets eat out at Purani Dilli, Haramiya Ka Dhabba or some such Dhabaz at Zakir nagar or else we head towards Communinity Centre,Friends colony because we have nothing to do this evening. Life was fun then, in its own way and we all knew it. We wanted to make the most of it. And we did I think. I should not be complaining now. But then I miss them. I miss them bad.
Ok am back to square one. I shall stop.
FAG ...are they really that bad
I have never been able to really make out why people try out cigrettes for the first time itself (i don't count the first sip as trying...according to me it takes atleast 2-3 buds to really qualify for having tried 'cigretting'...by the way this is new hip word instead of cheap sounding 'Smoking').....
believe me.....you can say that peer pressure was there..all friends tried...gave to crazy youthful exuberance ..or simply that it is so cheaply and readily available....but the fact still remains that none of these are really the reasons that would bring you again and again to those smoky stalls in never ending zeal for cigretting......
It is more in how you connect to your real self.....the puff when it goes inside..some sought of divine pleasure is felt......it is figuratively similar to a baby sucking milk from their mother's chest......you suck it hard and there then you feel the awkward little warm something going in and giving you life........maybe the chemical reactions inside the body are not the same with both the things i just compared...or rather unsuccessfully tried to compare (nothing compares to a mother or her love), but the whole idea behind it was noble.........
it is this above divine pleasure that makes people do it again and again.......u lite up a cigrette bud....u suck it hard the first time.....the smoke goes in...u see for the cotton end of the bud..it has turned from white to yellow...reflecting the pain it goes to make you happy...and then u releases the smoke out and thanks the cotton end that indeed it's pain was worth and it really made u happy...........
Smoke as so ever been reflection of man's great courage and ability to withstand the tough times.....so many songs have been written around and about this......
'Main jindagi ka saath nibhata chala gaya,
main fikr ko dhue mein udata chala gaya'
or this one
'sochna hain kya,
jo hona hain hoga,
chal pade hain yaaro,
fikr dhue mein uda ke'
For me it is more than this....it is this supreme sense of satisfaction that u get while smoking is that when u see the burning bud....u get a feeling that it is not only you....but there is somebody else too who is burning with you.......it just gets me going..............
As a little token of respect and honour from my side to cigretting.....here is a little compilation that i tried to make from my side........here is the description of various easily available brands in indian markets ......best to my knowledge........
believe me.....you can say that peer pressure was there..all friends tried...gave to crazy youthful exuberance ..or simply that it is so cheaply and readily available....but the fact still remains that none of these are really the reasons that would bring you again and again to those smoky stalls in never ending zeal for cigretting......
It is more in how you connect to your real self.....the puff when it goes inside..some sought of divine pleasure is felt......it is figuratively similar to a baby sucking milk from their mother's chest......you suck it hard and there then you feel the awkward little warm something going in and giving you life........maybe the chemical reactions inside the body are not the same with both the things i just compared...or rather unsuccessfully tried to compare (nothing compares to a mother or her love), but the whole idea behind it was noble.........
it is this above divine pleasure that makes people do it again and again.......u lite up a cigrette bud....u suck it hard the first time.....the smoke goes in...u see for the cotton end of the bud..it has turned from white to yellow...reflecting the pain it goes to make you happy...and then u releases the smoke out and thanks the cotton end that indeed it's pain was worth and it really made u happy...........
Smoke as so ever been reflection of man's great courage and ability to withstand the tough times.....so many songs have been written around and about this......
'Main jindagi ka saath nibhata chala gaya,main fikr ko dhue mein udata chala gaya'
or this one
'sochna hain kya,
jo hona hain hoga,
chal pade hain yaaro,
fikr dhue mein uda ke'
For me it is more than this....it is this supreme sense of satisfaction that u get while smoking is that when u see the burning bud....u get a feeling that it is not only you....but there is somebody else too who is burning with you.......it just gets me going..............
As a little token of respect and honour from my side to cigretting.....here is a little compilation that i tried to make from my side........here is the description of various easily available brands in indian markets ......best to my knowledge........
- Wills Insignia: by far what i have tried...this one is the most exquisitely made cigarette. it is a little longer than the normally found ones and has a very smooth silken appeal to it's taste. The feeling could well be compared to laying your hand gently over a woman's body.
- Wills Classic Regular: The classic bud as obvious to the name....suits those who prefer to have a strong but a gently smooth taste. Has a cult like following......most famous with chain smokers.... Shahrukh khan is also supposedly a regular to the classic regular!!
- India Kings : again a brown end bud though...but better be taken as a light cigrette.....good for females graduating from the 'lights' to brown ones!!!
- Wills Navy Cut: perhaps the most sold cigarette brand in the country (gold flake kings people might object), it is the strongest cigrette and supposedly the most harming too....but people those who smoke this can never settle for anything else apart from this itself.
- Classic Milds: a much better option for the occasional smokers. niether too strong...can't be called lights either.......gives quite a bit of smoke in every puff.....and makes u feel you are a big time smoker!!!!!
- 555 : hmmmm.....the original posh cigarette of the indian market....the US brand still has a lot of followers left.....the taste is a little straightforward and gets u a good high.....u should be enjoying this one with a good cup of strong coffee!!!
- Gudang Garam: just a gimmick....nothing good about the cigarette accept that it tastes of 'longue' ....makes a annoying sound while puffing........most hazardous.......very raw basically....u got what i meant to say.....
- Gold Flakes Kings: very basic cigarette....typical made in india product......extremely down to earth!!.....nothing to write about frankly speaking..but i love this alot......
- Gold Flake Lights and classic ultra milds: hmmmm......quite a smooth taste.......pretty light as per the name......advisable for beginners and ladies.........if u see an old person smoking this....believe me his body must have said NO to him by now.....u know what i mean.......
- Davidoff lights: extremely light cigarette......good showoff like most other European things.......
- Davidoff Regular: the packaging is really good in the purple coloured case with the best caption ever ' smokers die younger'......but taste wise...pretty strong and straight taste...it is like in your face......u would not want to smoke two of this one after the other.........I didn't like it much.........
- Classic menthol: gives u cool feeling of menthol....nothing else worth mentioning........
- Phillies cigar: the cheapest cigars available in general markets...will give u sweet taste at the tip with lot of smoke.....
- Marlboro regular: by now u must be thinking ...how strange it is that a cigaretter (don't ever say smoker)...not talking about 'Marlboro'. Well the world's most used brand is pretty good ...needless to say......a very gentle macho taste....but beware...even in india also...use only the foreign made product...yes you get those smuggled ones...and those are only good...the indian made tastes rotten.
- Dunhill : Recently i grabbed a European flavor available for the overseas market.The packaging of the cigarette pack looks very sleek and posh,excellent quality, worth paying a little extra. Dunhill red cigarettes are smooth dry flavor that lingers in the mouth. They are a great smoke to have in the morning with coffee and easy while retaining the strength necessary to satisfy your cravings.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
the letter 'H'
Just in time for the holidays
Nothing like a boring meeting on to make me pick up the threads of something I let slide for months: reading blogs. And nothing like catching up on blogs (which is sorta like catching up with a whole bunch of old friends, all at the same time) to make me realise that I'm way, way, I’m.
For the record, yes, this took me couple days to complete. The letter 'H' is harder than it looks.
10 Things I love that begin with ... the letter 'H'
1. Home --- namely, the apartment where my parents and I have been nesting for the past 100 years or so. It's not posh, it's not huge, it's not tidy --- but it's got everything where we want it to be (more or less), a great view of the neighbourhood, is in a lovely neighbourhood itself with sum scattered slum, and it's ours.
2. Himachal Pradesh, where in 2000 I spent a few very touristy days with college mates from Aligarh, though it was my first college trip,in our architectural lingua we call it“study tour”,then spent a few very drunk days with the friends --- wherein I discovered that trekking was not that hard to pick up, tourist drivers give local drivers the evil stink-eye, why the other side of apples garden is always green? and the local people would have killed us unless we didn’t thrown up our camera.
3. Hosseini Khalid --- wickedly good Iranian writer. I read his books, then despair of ever being able to write.
4. "Hero" Enrique Iglesias and other carols of its ilk. Blame it on when I used to sing in full heroic manner,”I can be ur hero baby” with a deep Indian accent which seems so heavenly honest entailed going carolling on road.
For the record, yes, this took me couple days to complete. The letter 'H' is harder than it looks.
10 Things I love that begin with ... the letter 'H'
1. Home --- namely, the apartment where my parents and I have been nesting for the past 100 years or so. It's not posh, it's not huge, it's not tidy --- but it's got everything where we want it to be (more or less), a great view of the neighbourhood, is in a lovely neighbourhood itself with sum scattered slum, and it's ours.
2. Himachal Pradesh, where in 2000 I spent a few very touristy days with college mates from Aligarh, though it was my first college trip,in our architectural lingua we call it“study tour”,then spent a few very drunk days with the friends --- wherein I discovered that trekking was not that hard to pick up, tourist drivers give local drivers the evil stink-eye, why the other side of apples garden is always green? and the local people would have killed us unless we didn’t thrown up our camera.
3. Hosseini Khalid --- wickedly good Iranian writer. I read his books, then despair of ever being able to write.
4. "Hero" Enrique Iglesias and other carols of its ilk. Blame it on when I used to sing in full heroic manner,”I can be ur hero baby” with a deep Indian accent which seems so heavenly honest entailed going carolling on road.
5. Halwa—specially gajar (carrots) and the term halwa I really hats-off the person who christened it.
6. Hrithik Roshan. But only because I just watched Lakshya again on Monday, and I'm feeling that really my country needs me.
7. Hadid Zaha—an architect-well, maybe not so much in particular, but I was a bit of bi-ased with the way she design. The interest was only brought up short by the cold hard brick wall of reality when I realised how much actual physics I would need to have in my back pocket if I go for case study of her designed building seriously coz 99% of wall is not at right angle.
8. Haroun and the Sea of Stories, which I only read after I was about to leave AMU. Such a beautiful book, metaphorically and literally, if you happen to own the illustrated version, which, I snatched with great jealousy from Ifty my roomies.
9. Harami! –Bastard, Which is a term I hardly ever use, actually, but it was the first thing comes in my mind when I was struggling with this H-list. Oops.
10. Honda Activa—my dream, my passion an my first bike.By the time I purchashed I had no passion left in me, my hairs turns grey in saving cash for it.
7. Hadid Zaha—an architect-well, maybe not so much in particular, but I was a bit of bi-ased with the way she design. The interest was only brought up short by the cold hard brick wall of reality when I realised how much actual physics I would need to have in my back pocket if I go for case study of her designed building seriously coz 99% of wall is not at right angle.
8. Haroun and the Sea of Stories, which I only read after I was about to leave AMU. Such a beautiful book, metaphorically and literally, if you happen to own the illustrated version, which, I snatched with great jealousy from Ifty my roomies.
9. Harami! –Bastard, Which is a term I hardly ever use, actually, but it was the first thing comes in my mind when I was struggling with this H-list. Oops.
10. Honda Activa—my dream, my passion an my first bike.By the time I purchashed I had no passion left in me, my hairs turns grey in saving cash for it.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Bored!!
Its almost six months passed to be laid off from my job. All my hours merging to doomsday, counting a conspiracy for me…What next? As no one around left, all had luring jobs to do, in this old season of mine I got one single girl friend who left for further studies ,so it was jus’ me . . First there was the requisite whining about how bored I was, but Ink didn't seem too impressed by that. Then there were the desperate attempts to lure friends out for coffee or something, but everyone already had plans and couldn't entertain me.
So I had no choice but to do the work that I'd been procrastinating on, but not before I attempted to procrastinate further by doing some household chores. I'm no fan of vacuuming or wiping down cupboards, but on a long, empty Sunday noon, so I gone off to sleep.
As evening inched upon us, I had some grubs with puffs, but again, the Force was not strong with me. So the only person that I spoke to and interacted with in person, between noon and bedtime, was my Chotu - who is my soul care-taker here.
I think Ink got tired of me harassing him, though, because he flopped down to sleep a good bit earlier than usual and didn't even stir when I nudged his head.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Lonliness knows me by my name.......
I've felt this way before . Most of the time I'm fine...most of the time I enjoy myself. But every once in a while this profound loneliness comes over me.
Today I can understand some of it. My friends are away and I'm somewhat isolated so I think lonliness takes on a greater role than it should in my life. I'm a great believer in taking action...if things aren't good, then doing something to make it better.
But right now I can't. I'm limited because of some residual effects of nerve pain...can't work at a decent job that pays enough to support what I need to do. This particularly hurts because I was recently kicked out from my job coz economic downturn and totally in cash trap as if world bank jus' belongs to me. Soon i got an an offer from MNC...it's a real offer... It would take a lot of financial pressure off me and unfortunately i'm not that lucky to grab the job I had to turn them down because my inside docs said no.... and I know they're right. I've tried forcing things before and I always get much sicker. I've learned I need to accept where I am but it sucks. Sorry but sometimes it just does. I'll get over this...I always do but right now that's how I feel.
And the loneliness is not just missing my friends and having pain...it's more.
An existential angst...a longing for love...probably both. I used to live in a big world...my world has become smaller and I have struggled to do more than stay afloat. I have struggled to change...to adapt...dare even to thrive. Sometimes I can be a star. Sometimes, like now, I fail.
I am overwhelmed with longing and I'm not completely sure what would fill that void.I want to touch the stars...I want to ride the ocean's waves...I want to be a wild horse running along the ocean's shore. I want someone to see me and love me for what they see. And I want to do the same for them. Dosh!!!So Terribly lonely I could just sit here and cry...
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this or if I will have the courage to post.
Friday, July 31, 2009
"Diversity in Salad Bowl preparation"
Diversity is the key idea in science, business, arts, literature and as well as cultures. On every scale, at every level and from every perspective, we find an amazing diversity in life, diversity in flora and fauna, diversity of races and cultures, diversity of faiths and practices and diversity of personal life styles and cultural preferences, the idea of pluralism tries to accommodate the reality of this divergent, multifaceted amazing kaleidoscope.
I’m fully aware that in all religious traditions, in all major strands of political thoughts, in every region’s ethos, there is some clear or explicit recognition of this fact. Coming from an Islamic background, as I do. I see an affirmation of the Holy Quran’s observation that “ Had God wanted so He would have created everybody alike as adherents of a single religion”. That means God wanted a plural world, a multi-colored world instead of a monochromatic one. If we need religious sanction for forging a multi-cultural world, this should suffice. I’m sure all major and minor religious traditions must have something of this sort.
On a practical plane, things are more complicated. They need a more hard-nosed, practical approach to be sorted out. What kind social, economic and political structure and what kind of a bureaucracy would be needed accommodate this diversity and to make flourish and nurture? Questions like this are pertinent today. We have an idea of the kind of struggle that is required to attain this goal from gigantic efforts being made in the preservation of diversity of species of plants and animals.
Political structures that suit the goal of promotion of multi-culturalism and pluralism, have to be basically democratic and secular. By being democratic we ensure that nobody is excluded because of his/her social and economic status, race or gender and by being secular we make sure that somebody’s religion does not become his/her undoing.
Federalism is another tool for accommodating regional and ethnic diversities. Luckily, we have a political setup which is both democratic and secular and federal too.
We have lot of mechanisms in place that guarantee the working of this arrangement on executive, legislative and judicial Levels as well as on the levels of statutory organizations and civil bodies. Earlier, we had American model of a melting pot which envisaged all kinds of people and all kinds of cultures mixed together in an American personality and an “ All American” world view.
We are talking more often of a salad bowl model where the white radish, the red carrot, the pinkish onion and the blood red beet-root pieces are placed along with green salad leaves and bit hues of lemon. All of them retain their color, texture and taste.
They are placed together in a bowl where their identity is recognized, but they are of a larger scheme of things, and components of a single salad preparation.
Last but not least, we are free to have own recipes, but we have to stick to the rich experience of diversity and shun all monochromatic ideas in favor of a full-bodied, multi-textured idea of India…
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